Thursday, October 28, 2010

A question for Christians about life after death?

Why do most Christians believe that we all have an immortal soul when the Bible teaches so much about the resurrection? Do Christians pay more attention to peoples life after death claims rather than the Bible:



The book of Acts is many days after Jesus went upto heaven, and Peter says that king David is dead and buried and is not ascended into the heavens. So here we have good king David, dead, buried, not in heaven--is that clear!



What about the woman Tabitha who died? Read Acts 9:40:



';But Peter put them all out, and knelt down and prayed. And turning to the body he said, ';Tabitha, arise.'; And she opened her eyes, and when she saw Peter she sat up.';



Why would Peter bring Tabitha back to life if he believed her soul was in paradise? Would Peter pray to bring her down from heaven to raise her from the dead again?



So when do we go to heaven......answer (1 Corinthians 15:22-23)



';For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive. But each one in his own order: Christ the firstfruits, afterward those who are Christ's at His coming.';



Is that clear! When are we made alive--those who are Christ's AT HIS COMING!



I could quote so many more scriptures but I don't know how more clear these scriptures can be. If you believe that this is only refering to the body then please show me from the Bible that says man has an immortal soul. If you quote abscent from the body and present with the Lord then you can search the internet to see how many different interpretations people have for this. Do not base your doctrine on just a few scriptures and ignore the mountain of other scriptures.



But I just wanted to talk about the rich man and Lazarus which some people twist to try and prove their doctrine. Is this a parable or is it literal. How many times does Jesus tell a parable starting off, ';a certain man';



Luke 12:16--';The ground of a certain rich man';

Luke 15:22--';A certain man had two sons';

Luke 16:1--';There was a certain rich man';

Luke 18:2--';There was in a certain city';



Now it's quite clear that these were not real events, but parables. So how can people say that the rich man and Lazarus is literal but the other parables are not literal? The parable of the rich man and Lazarus seems to be full of symbolism:



1. Could a person who was literally burning in a pit of fire have a normal conversation with someone else?



2. Would a person in a pit of fire ask for a drop of water to cool their tongue......No, they would ask for the fire-brigade!



I think this parable had something to do with the Pharisees love for money and using their tongue to speak bad about poor people. I think it is something along those lines. But people use this parable literally to try and prove the immortal soul.



Feel free to disagree with me but the truth of God is what matters. God blessA question for Christians about life after death?
? The Resurrection is of the physical body...Yes King Davids body is still in the grave...but His spirit is in Heaven...Don't you recall Moses...He was buried by God and He was in heaven ...came and spoke with Christ along with Elijah....



Paul teaches us that to be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord.....A question for Christians about life after death?
You know, just because you have an immortal soul and die, it doesn't mean you can't be resurrected.I mean, immortal is immortal. If you're resurrected, you still have an immortal soul.



I won't bother going into the religious side of your argument because that is a fundamental flaw in your question. Please rephrase and come back after you've used your crayon to work it out.
i agree completely , i have just read a book called old souls its a very compelling book written from a skeptical point of view studying reincarnation might or might not be true but makes more sense than heaven and hell , i like your style, not a sheep but searching for the truth without the influence of every one else
Nice question.



No part of the bible does it teach that we have an immortal soul. This is a false teaching by the clergy and now believed by billions of people all around the world.



After Solomon observed that the living know that they will die, he wrote: “As for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all.” He then enlarged on that basic truth by saying that the dead can neither love nor hate and that “there is no work nor devising nor knowledge nor wisdom in [the grave].” (Ecclesiastes 9:5, 6,?10) Similarly, Psalm 146:4 says that when a man dies, “his thoughts do perish.” We are mortal and do not survive the death of our body. The life we enjoy is like the flame of a candle. When the flame is put out, it does not go anywhere. It is simply gone.



WHAT JESUS SAID ABOUT DEATH



Jesus Christ spoke about the condition of the dead. He did so with regard to Lazarus, a man whom he knew well and who had died. Jesus told his disciples: “Lazarus our friend has gone to rest.” The disciples thought that Jesus meant that Lazarus was resting in sleep, recovering from an illness. They were wrong. Jesus explained: “Lazarus has died.” (John 11:11-14) Notice that Jesus compared death to rest and sleep. Lazarus was neither in heaven nor in a burning hell. He was not meeting angels or ancestors. Lazarus was not being reborn as another human. He was at rest in death, as though in a deep sleep without dreams. Other scriptures also compare death to sleep. For example, when the disciple Stephen was stoned to death, the Bible says that he “fell asleep.” (Acts 7:60) Similarly, the apostle Paul wrote about some in his day who had “fallen asleep” in death.—1?Corinthians 15:6.



Matt. 10:28: “Do not become fearful of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul [or, “life”]; but rather be in fear of him that can destroy both soul* and body in Gehenna.” (*Greek has the accusative case of psy?khe′. KJ, AS, RS, NE, TEV, Dy, JB, and NAB all render it “soul.”)



The Christian concept of a spiritual soul created by God and infused into the body at conception to make man a living whole is the fruit of a long development in Christian philosophy. Only with Origen [died c. 254?C.E.] in the East and St.?Augustine [died 430?C.E.] in the West was the soul established as a spiritual substance and a philosophical concept formed of its nature. .?.?. His [Augustine’s] doctrine .?.?. owed much (including some shortcomings) to Neoplatonism.”—New Catholic Encyclopedia (1967), Vol. XIII, pp.?452,?454.



“The concept of immortality is a product of Greek thinking, whereas the hope of a resurrection belongs to Jewish thought. .?.?. Following Alexander’s conquests Judaism gradually absorbed Greek concepts.”—Dictionnaire Encyclopédique de la Bible (Valence, France; 1935), edited by Alexandre Westphal, Vol. 2, p. 557.



“Immortality of the soul is a Greek notion formed in ancient mystery cults and elaborated by the philosopher Plato.”—Presbyterian Life, May?1, 1970, p.?35.
I have a believing friend with whom I have an ongoing argument, when we die one of us is going to be very surprised and one of us will not know their dead, which one is he?



I don't think it's me that will be surprised!
The bible teaches that the dead are asleep awaiting the resurrection. The rapture isnt a secret rapture. It is a rapture that is visible to the whole world.



Psalm 6:5 In death is no rememberance Ps. 13:3 - ';Lest I sleep the sleep of death.';



Ps. 115:17 - ';The dead praise not the Lord.';



Eccl. 9:5 - ';The dead know not anything.';



Matt. 9:24 - ';The girl is not dead but asleep.';



John 11:11 - ';Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep.';



So death is a sleep. Most christian churches believe that you die and go straight to heaven but we are resurrected at the second coming.

Luke 17:26-30. As it was in the days of Noah, they did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, they bought, they sold, they planted, they builded, so shall it be in the days of the Son of Man.



For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 1 thess 4:16



satan will be bound for one thousand years. With the wicked in their graves and the righteous in heaven. TThen the wicked will be resurected at the end of the thousand years and satan and his people will prepare a war against god. The holy city will descend from heaven as satan and his people attack the holy city. God will send a fire out of heaven and devour them and sin will be no more.

I have provided a website that will better explain this
Good observation. An immortal need not resurrection. Jesus himself likened the death of his friend Lazarus to a deep sleep (John 11:11-14). Lazarus did not go anywhere. Even the criminal who was impaled beside Jesus did not go to heaven ahead of Jesus. They are in deep sleep waiting to be resurrected (John 5:28-29) For more info you can check the following:



The Hereafter—Where Will It Be?

http://www.watchtower.org/e/20001001/art…



Is There Life After Death?

http://www.watchtower.org/e/20010715/art…



:-)
Hell is a waiting place not the lake of fire.
Tabitha was a Disciple of Christ.... she still carries on the work of Jesus. She is sometimes known as one of Jesus's many disciples.



If you believe in Jesus, in his teachings, then you already have everlasting life.



The human Spirit can die... but if you strongly, completely believe in Jesus Christ.... you will not die... you will live on forever.
  • recipe for milk cake
  • What about these old ones are they funny ?

    A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. ';I'm so ashamed, and Doctor,'; she said, ';I guess I let myself go.'; The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. ';Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad.';



    ';Do you really think so, Doctor?'; she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, ';Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.';







    A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. ';Why all the attention?'; the friend asked, ';You look fine to me.';



    ';I know!'; grinned the patient. ';But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches.';







    Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. ';Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table.'; So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, ';Is this better?'; ';Much better!'; she replies with a smile. ';Okay, then,'; he says, ';now will you please pass the p**sy.';



    What about these old ones are they funny ?
    Loved them all

    Very funny!What about these old ones are they funny ?
    ha ha ha!!! awesome ones Chris!!! you have got a star from me!!!
    i think these jokes are still funny! :)
    Last one was a good one......lol
    LMFAO
    LMAO!
    Brilliant LOL. LMAO. Have another star for making me laugh.
    thanx

    What do you think of my sick Vampire story?

    A Vampire’s Hunt



    I watched the woman weep at the edge of the dock. She shed tears for her children. The children she had found dead, drained of their blood. She had found the three of them scattered across her living room floor. The woman cried out loud. She screamed for them, “Why? They were all I had left.” She thought she was talking to the invisible killer hoping he would hear. Yet I was their and I heard clearly.

    I couldn’t help the laughter that escaped my mouth. The woman with her wet cheeks turned her head to my hiding spot in the thick forests. “Who’s their?” she said so softly that human ears wouldn’t have been able to hear her words. Yet I could hear them quite clearly.

    “It is me love. The nightmare that escaped your dreams. Do you remember?” I said while I enjoyed the look of horror that was painted across her face. I jumped from the branch of the tree I had been watching her from and landed at her side. I did it in such a quick motion that she had not seen or heard me, so she was still staring at the place I had been.

    “Well, are you going to answer me?” She gasped and spun around to face me. She looked into my pure black eyes. I hypnotized her. She couldn’t help it, it’s what us Vampires do. We attract our food. We also enjoy the pain that floods threw their body. They don’t know it but it wets our appetite.

    She stared into my eyes and fell into my arms. She cried into my shoulder. I put my finger on her chin, forcing her to look into my eyes. She stared into my eyes for a long time. As my bloodlust grew stronger I could see in my reflection in her eyes that my eye color was turning red, the color of blood.

    I tilted her head so I could see the pulse on her neck. My mouth began to water. I felt a hunger much different from what humans experience.

    I let my lips fall on her neck. I broke skin with my razor sharp fangs and let the blood flood in my mouth. I moaned with pleasure. I could feel her struggling against my hold. But I was too strong for her. It felt like a light breeze. It didn’t do much. I rolled over so I was on top of her. I lifted my mouth from her neck. Being careful not to drain her to fast. I liked to enjoy their agony while my venom poisoned them.

    She screamed in pain. I laughed at her. She was a silly human with a silly human life. She looked like she was about 23. I have been around for almost 300 years old. She hasn’t experienced enough to miss. Her eyes began to roll into the back of her head. I rolled my eyes. I kissed her on the forehead. “You are such a fragile human love. Have you had enough of death? Or do you want me to finish you off?”

    Her eyes came back into focus. She started to cry again. How is it possible she had so much fluids in her body? “Please! Just kill me! It hurts so much!” I laughed at her.

    “Why should I do something for you? I won’t get any pleasure in cutting the pain short” I sunk my fang into her wound. I pressed my body against hers and moaned. I moved in rhythm to her slowing heart. I pressed my body harder against hers and pushed myself up and down stronger and faster. I slowed down and moved my body so I could hover above her.

    She wailed in pain. She began to beg for death. “Love, it’s only going to get worse.” I said with a hint of pleasure in my voice. I moved my lips down her arms. I slowly inserted my fangs into her skin and dragging my tongue across the wound to seal the wound so the venom couldn’t escape. I moved down her body doing the same every 2 inches.

    I moved back to her original wound and let my fangs sink back into her flesh. I whispered against her neck, “Goodnight my love. Sweat dreams.” I let the rest of her blood flow into my mouth while I move against her body. I moaned in pleasure sucking for the last drop.

    I lifted my body from her corpse and looked down at her bruised body. I knelt down beside her and stripped her from her clothes. I carried her to her house to leave her at the doorstep for her husband. What a lovely surprise.



    He is kinda sick. . . . . .What do you think of my sick Vampire story?
    it's okay but try writing a werewolf story. there isn't enough of them.What do you think of my sick Vampire story?
    thats sick dude i would want to read more
    i love vampires ,but girl you in way to deep. hollywood has made you think vampires are something they are not. look up everything you can about real vamps then you tell me what is the real deal about them are Its not YOUR fault. if your like 12 or something stop watching vamp movies your too yung girly
    eh. vampire stories are way overdone. try something else, and maybe try taking a creative writing class.
    I think vampire stories are being way over done now. Each one may not have anything to do with Twilight, but after all the hype it sure makes everyone think that it does. Oddly enough, vampire stories are kind of becoming mainstream now, haha, never thought that would happen.

    Is my second novel good so far?

    Here it is:

    The delicious scent of my next meal raced through my nose, into my veins and circled around my body, raising the level of adrenaline. He smelled fearful, hasty and confused, as though he truly was lost in who was chasing him. The brush around me was like an obstacle course, fit to perplex me, although I was too wise for that trick. He had driven me into a maze, aiming to lose me in his comfort zone. But I was The Special One, born to catch anything that got away from my grasp. My senses were too keen to escape, and secretly, he knew it. He just wouldn’t admit it to himself. He knew he was a lost soul.



    I could now hear his heavy breath and the sweat dripping down his face, like slow droplets of rain falling to emptiness, a black hole filled with nothing but darkness, just like my life.



    I closed him in by pursuing him into a corner. It was a blank space, perfect for killing someone without any notice from outsiders. This was the kind of place I usually used for my kill. He should’ve known better than to try and cheat me, but his choice was now his demise. His scent got heavier on my tongue, and I could taste his rush. Of course I could make this easy, but I decided to save my best ability for last, so he could see how inescapable I really was before he died. How much of an intelligent plan that was.



    I came up on his rear, halting far away enough to make this slow and chilling for him. He turned and what I glimpsed on his face was none out of the typical.... His eyes stared at mine, silently begging me to spare him. His cheeks were bony to the extreme, leaving my nose more vulnerable to the sweet aroma of his blood. Yet his mouth was left ajar, gasping at my appearance. He didn’t know that a woman was his death maker, let alone how beautiful she would be. His eyes hovered over my golden hair that freely swayed in the wind. Next were my eyes, perfectly glossy and blood-red.



    My goddess-like figure was covered in a strapless, ocean-blue dress that hugged my curves until its end at my lower thighs. It was an irresistible match to my strappy heels with a white ribbon strangling my calves up to my knees.



    Once his eyes came back to mine, he was astonished and most of all, pitiable. All men were the same, and all the one’s I hunted were toyed with by my presence, tricked by desire into my wicked little trap. His conscience would live on this forever; slain by a gorgeous female; the worst termination for a guy.



    He blinked his pale green eyes, stepping out from my illusion. He staggered backwards and then he foolishly searched the small field for a quick exit, that didn’t exist. He should know.



    I could tell that this pursuit had fully knocked out all his common sense by the way he simply turned his back to me, looking for a few trees to jump, I supposed. How imprudent could these male vampires get?



    I was in front of his panicked face in seconds, like a nightmare all over again. This was my trap, and now he was hopeless. I called these kind, “Idiots with no brain to function.” These were the kind of prey that could be caged within seconds, but I liked the difficult road better.



    “Please! Please, don’t do this! I will do anything!” His frantic tone excited me. I twitched my eyebrows. “Anything is but a small price for your life. I would have only foolishness to take that common offer.” It seemed like my delicate, feminine voice startled him even more. His eyes popped wide with despair and desperation, it made me cry with laughter.

    He opened his mouth to speak, “What…are you?”



    I couldn’t elect whether to put him off and say something critical like, “Your worst nightmare.” Or take the express road and just suck the life out of him already. So, I came up with an easy resolve. I was at his ear hastily, “A savage to our kind. I hope you enjoy death.” I was cruel to the ends, and indeed a savage.



    He and I both knew when I was ready to bite. Just to make this part less painful-it was my merciful day-, I threw my knuckle into his jaw line, knocking him out for his own funeral. He would still feel it, but the paranoia and effects of the bite would be at a low for him, lucky one.



    As my fangs grazed his neck line, a faint croak jumped from his throat. The saccharine taste of the gold blood was the best relief I’d felt all day.



    Chapter 2



    When we bit humans, they would feel a quick, yet extremely excruciating sting on the spot we had chomped, until they passed. As far as I knew, when I bit one of my own kind all they felt was a sharp, needle-like pin in their skin, and then they would pass out quicker than the humans did. The sting was left out for us because we didn’t contain the same stained blood that mortals did, our blood was a golden substance that was thinner than a human’s. What I loved about it was that it was almost inexplicably tastier than a human’s.



    No, vampires were not allowed to swallow their own kind, but I was a lawIs my second novel good so far?
    I think it was really good .. but at first it really seems like you were getting into the twilight idea , but instead used a girl as the vampire instead of a guy.Is my second novel good so far?
    i think its great and kept me hooked :D x

    Just wanted to share a joke hoping to make you laugh =)?

    Got this from a friend, don't know how old it is or how long it has been going around. Hope it makes you laugh and if you heard it before I hope you laugh as hard this time as you did the 1st time you read it. Enjoy!!



    TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF



    Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Matt, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.



    Matt: ';Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.';



    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



    CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

    Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.



    Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.



    Judge #3 (Matt) -- Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



    CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

    Judge #1 -- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.



    Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.



    Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



    CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.

    Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great! kick.



    Judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.



    Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer.



    CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

    Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.



    Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.



    Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



    CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

    Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.



    Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.



    Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



    CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...!

    Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.



    Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers! , onions and garlic. Superb.



    Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a*s with a snow cone.



    CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

    Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.



    Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.



    Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just such it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



    CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

    Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its' existence.



    Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?



    Judge #3 -- No ReportJust wanted to share a joke hoping to make you laugh =)?
    I was laughing so hard my wife came in to see if I was all right. I had her read it, and she laughed, too.



    When I asked what she was making for supper tonight, she said, ';Chili!';Just wanted to share a joke hoping to make you laugh =)?
    Hooray for Texas Chili!!!!!
    A bit long; would make a better short film than written joke.
    I liked it star for you.
    And enjoy it, we did.



    Well done.
    Sounds just like the stuff I make
    lol! poor #3 guy! :D
    Yeah that was good. Thanx

    Think I'll have a hot dog.
    ha ha ha! AWESOME!!!!

    u deserve more than 1 star!!!



    ^_^
    oh this is a real good one

    Are christians afraid God might make the wrong decision if they don't constantly remind him of who to burn?

    Saint Peter stood guard at the golden gate,

    With a solum mein and an air sedate,

    When up to the top of the golden stair,

    A man and a women ascended there.

    Applied for admission they came and stood,

    Before Saint Peter so great and good.



    In hopes the city of peace to win,

    Asked Saint Peter to let them in.

    The woman was little and lank and lean,

    With a scraggy beardlet on her chin.





    The man was short and thick and stout,

    And his stomach was built so it rounded out,

    His face was pleasant and all the while,

    He wore an honest, genial smile.





    The choir in the distance, the echoes awake,

    The man kept still while the woman spoke.

    Oh the grandest, the golden gate she said,

    We two come hither beseeching thee,

    To let us enter the Heavenly land,

    And play on harps with the Angel Band.

    Of me Saint Peter there isn't a doubt,

    There's nothing in Heaven can bar me out.





    I've been to the meetings, three times a week,

    And almost always I rise and speak.

    I've told the sinners about the day,

    They would repent of their evil way.

    I've told my neighbours, I've told them all,

    About Adam and Eve, and their primal fall.

    I've marked their faith in duty clear,

    Laid out their plans for their whole career.

    So good Saint Peter, you can plainly see,

    That the Gate of Heaven is open to me.





    But my old man, I regret to say,

    Haven't walked exactly the narrow way.

    He smokes and swears and grave faults he's got,

    So I don't know whether he'll pass or not.

    He never would pray with an honest vim,

    Or go to revivals or join in a hymn,

    So I had to leave him in sorrow there,

    While I with the chosen united in prayer.



    He ate what the pantry chose to afford,

    While I in my purity, sang to the Lord.

    And then if cucumbers were all that he got,

    There's a chance if he merited them or not.

    But of Saint Pete, I love him so,

    To the pleasures of Heaven, please let him go.

    I've been enough of the Saint, I've been,

    Now won't that atone, can't you let him in.



    By my grim gospel, I know it is so,

    The unrepented must fry below,

    But isn't there some way you can see,

    To let him in who is dear to me.

    It's a narrow gospel by which I pray,

    But the chosen expect to find some way,

    Of coaxing or bribing or fooling you,

    So their relations can amble through,

    And Saint Peter my sight is dimmed,

    I don't like the way your whiskers are trimmed.



    They are cut too narrow and outward tossed,

    They would look much better cut straight across.

    So we must be going, our crowns to win,

    Now open Saint Peter and we`ll pass in.

    Saint Peter stood still and stroked his staff,

    In spite of his office, he had to laugh.

    Then he said with a fire agleam in his eye,

    Who`s tending this gate you or I.



    He then arose in a stature tall,

    And pressed a button upon the wall,

    He said to the Imp that answered the bell,

    Escort this Women down to Hell.

    The man stood as a piece of stone,

    Sadly, gloomily there alone.

    One life lone settled he had,

    That his wife was good while he was bad,

    So if she had to go to regions dim,

    There wasn't a ghost of a show for him.





    Slowly he turned by habit bent,

    To follow that women where ever she went,

    Saint Peter standing on duty there,

    Observed the top of his head was bare,

    And calling the gentlemen back he said,

    Say friend how long have you been wed?

    Thirty years said the man with a sigh,

    And then he thoughtfully added, why.



    Saint Peter first looked up, then down,

    Then he raised his head and scratched his crown,

    And seeming a different thought to take,

    Slowly half to himself he spoke.

    Thirty years with that woman there

    No wonder the man hasn't any hair.

    Swearing is wicked and smoking isn't good,

    He smoked and he swore, I should say he would.

    Thirty years with a tongue so sharp,

    Angel Gabriel, bring him a harp.



    Bring him a harp with golden strings,

    Good sir, pass in, while the angels sing,

    Gabriel gave him a seat alone,

    One with a cushion near the throne.

    See that on the finest aroma he feeds,

    He`s had about all the hell he needs,

    It wouldn't be just the right thing to do.

    To roast him on earth and the future to,

    So they gave him a robe with glittering wings,

    And a jewel harp with golden strings.



    He said as he entered the realm of day,

    Well this beats cucumbers any way.

    And so the scripture came to pass,

    That the last shall be first,

    And the first shall be last.Are christians afraid God might make the wrong decision if they don't constantly remind him of who to burn?
    When people are trying to tell God what to do, can they really be called christians?

    A true Christian has the real understanding of what it is to be a Christian, (ie; the way of the Father [God] with his children), not what is currently ascribed to being christian.

    Most so called christians are nothing more than legallistic bible thumpers, and are not children of God, some ignorantly, and some intentionally.Are christians afraid God might make the wrong decision if they don't constantly remind him of who to burn?
    Put down the crack pipe and go to bed. Willya?
    Hayden,



    dont copy a song, poem ask your ?

    God is not in need of reminders, He is wanting your salvation
    no ones burning on my watch
    I've never asked God to let anyone burn.
    The poem is entertaining. In fact, it was fun to read, but such writings are for musing and fun, however it shouldn't be taken seriously especially to be a base or standard to measure others by. It is a means for reflection, to better oneself, to make personal gains in spiritual development.

    This is hilarious.... what do you think?

    APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER



    NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.



    NAME__________________________________鈥? DATE OF BIRTH_____________



    HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________



    SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________



    BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_________ _________________________________



    HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______



    Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

    Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

    If No, explain: ________________________________________鈥?br>
    ________________________________________鈥?



    Number of years they have been married ______________________________



    If less than your age, explain

    ________________________________________鈥?br>


    ________________________________________鈥?





    ACCESSORIES SECTION:



    A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No



    B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No



    C. A waterbed? __Yes __No



    D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No



    E. A tattoo? __Yes __No



    F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No

    pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?



    (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION

    AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)





    ESSAY SECTION:



    In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'LATE' mean to you?



    ________________________________________鈥?br>


    ________________________________________鈥?br>


    In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?



    ________________________________________鈥?br>


    ________________________________________鈥?



    In a minimum of at least 50 words , what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?



    ________________________________________鈥?



    ________________________________________鈥?br>




    REFERENCES SECTION:



    Church you attend ________________________________________鈥?



    How often you attend ________________________________________鈥?br>


    When would be the best time to interview your:



    father? _____________



    mother? _____________



    pastor? _____________





    SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:



    Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers

    are confidential.



    A: If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want shot would be:



    ________________________________________鈥?br>


    B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:



    ________________________________________鈥?



    C: A woman's place is in the:



    ________ ________________________________________鈥?br>


    D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:



    ________________________________________鈥?



    E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________



    ________________________________________鈥?br>


    ________________________________________鈥?



    F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:



    ________________________________________鈥?br>


    F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________



    I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO

    THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,

    NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE , CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE

    WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.





    ______________________________________鈥?

    Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)





    _______________________________ ________________________________

    Mother's Signature Father's Signature



    _______________________________ ________________________________

    Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman



    Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

    Please allow four to six years for processing.



    You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since

    you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be

    notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.This is hilarious.... what do you think?
    that's cute...a little over board though

    This is hilarious.... what do you think?
    LMAO!
    wow i feel really bad for your daughter