Got this from a friend, don't know how old it is or how long it has been going around. Hope it makes you laugh and if you heard it before I hope you laugh as hard this time as you did the 1st time you read it. Enjoy!!
TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Matt, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Matt: ';Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.';
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Matt) -- Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge #1 -- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.
Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great! kick.
Judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...!
Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers! , onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a*s with a snow cone.
CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just such it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its' existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 -- No ReportJust wanted to share a joke hoping to make you laugh =)?
I was laughing so hard my wife came in to see if I was all right. I had her read it, and she laughed, too.
When I asked what she was making for supper tonight, she said, ';Chili!';Just wanted to share a joke hoping to make you laugh =)?
Hooray for Texas Chili!!!!!
A bit long; would make a better short film than written joke.
I liked it star for you.
And enjoy it, we did.
Well done.
Sounds just like the stuff I make
lol! poor #3 guy! :D
Yeah that was good. Thanx
Think I'll have a hot dog.
ha ha ha! AWESOME!!!!
u deserve more than 1 star!!!
^_^
oh this is a real good one
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Are christians afraid God might make the wrong decision if they don't constantly remind him of who to burn?
Saint Peter stood guard at the golden gate,
With a solum mein and an air sedate,
When up to the top of the golden stair,
A man and a women ascended there.
Applied for admission they came and stood,
Before Saint Peter so great and good.
In hopes the city of peace to win,
Asked Saint Peter to let them in.
The woman was little and lank and lean,
With a scraggy beardlet on her chin.
The man was short and thick and stout,
And his stomach was built so it rounded out,
His face was pleasant and all the while,
He wore an honest, genial smile.
The choir in the distance, the echoes awake,
The man kept still while the woman spoke.
Oh the grandest, the golden gate she said,
We two come hither beseeching thee,
To let us enter the Heavenly land,
And play on harps with the Angel Band.
Of me Saint Peter there isn't a doubt,
There's nothing in Heaven can bar me out.
I've been to the meetings, three times a week,
And almost always I rise and speak.
I've told the sinners about the day,
They would repent of their evil way.
I've told my neighbours, I've told them all,
About Adam and Eve, and their primal fall.
I've marked their faith in duty clear,
Laid out their plans for their whole career.
So good Saint Peter, you can plainly see,
That the Gate of Heaven is open to me.
But my old man, I regret to say,
Haven't walked exactly the narrow way.
He smokes and swears and grave faults he's got,
So I don't know whether he'll pass or not.
He never would pray with an honest vim,
Or go to revivals or join in a hymn,
So I had to leave him in sorrow there,
While I with the chosen united in prayer.
He ate what the pantry chose to afford,
While I in my purity, sang to the Lord.
And then if cucumbers were all that he got,
There's a chance if he merited them or not.
But of Saint Pete, I love him so,
To the pleasures of Heaven, please let him go.
I've been enough of the Saint, I've been,
Now won't that atone, can't you let him in.
By my grim gospel, I know it is so,
The unrepented must fry below,
But isn't there some way you can see,
To let him in who is dear to me.
It's a narrow gospel by which I pray,
But the chosen expect to find some way,
Of coaxing or bribing or fooling you,
So their relations can amble through,
And Saint Peter my sight is dimmed,
I don't like the way your whiskers are trimmed.
They are cut too narrow and outward tossed,
They would look much better cut straight across.
So we must be going, our crowns to win,
Now open Saint Peter and we`ll pass in.
Saint Peter stood still and stroked his staff,
In spite of his office, he had to laugh.
Then he said with a fire agleam in his eye,
Who`s tending this gate you or I.
He then arose in a stature tall,
And pressed a button upon the wall,
He said to the Imp that answered the bell,
Escort this Women down to Hell.
The man stood as a piece of stone,
Sadly, gloomily there alone.
One life lone settled he had,
That his wife was good while he was bad,
So if she had to go to regions dim,
There wasn't a ghost of a show for him.
Slowly he turned by habit bent,
To follow that women where ever she went,
Saint Peter standing on duty there,
Observed the top of his head was bare,
And calling the gentlemen back he said,
Say friend how long have you been wed?
Thirty years said the man with a sigh,
And then he thoughtfully added, why.
Saint Peter first looked up, then down,
Then he raised his head and scratched his crown,
And seeming a different thought to take,
Slowly half to himself he spoke.
Thirty years with that woman there
No wonder the man hasn't any hair.
Swearing is wicked and smoking isn't good,
He smoked and he swore, I should say he would.
Thirty years with a tongue so sharp,
Angel Gabriel, bring him a harp.
Bring him a harp with golden strings,
Good sir, pass in, while the angels sing,
Gabriel gave him a seat alone,
One with a cushion near the throne.
See that on the finest aroma he feeds,
He`s had about all the hell he needs,
It wouldn't be just the right thing to do.
To roast him on earth and the future to,
So they gave him a robe with glittering wings,
And a jewel harp with golden strings.
He said as he entered the realm of day,
Well this beats cucumbers any way.
And so the scripture came to pass,
That the last shall be first,
And the first shall be last.Are christians afraid God might make the wrong decision if they don't constantly remind him of who to burn?
When people are trying to tell God what to do, can they really be called christians?
A true Christian has the real understanding of what it is to be a Christian, (ie; the way of the Father [God] with his children), not what is currently ascribed to being christian.
Most so called christians are nothing more than legallistic bible thumpers, and are not children of God, some ignorantly, and some intentionally.Are christians afraid God might make the wrong decision if they don't constantly remind him of who to burn?
Put down the crack pipe and go to bed. Willya?
Hayden,
dont copy a song, poem ask your ?
God is not in need of reminders, He is wanting your salvation
no ones burning on my watch
I've never asked God to let anyone burn.
The poem is entertaining. In fact, it was fun to read, but such writings are for musing and fun, however it shouldn't be taken seriously especially to be a base or standard to measure others by. It is a means for reflection, to better oneself, to make personal gains in spiritual development.
With a solum mein and an air sedate,
When up to the top of the golden stair,
A man and a women ascended there.
Applied for admission they came and stood,
Before Saint Peter so great and good.
In hopes the city of peace to win,
Asked Saint Peter to let them in.
The woman was little and lank and lean,
With a scraggy beardlet on her chin.
The man was short and thick and stout,
And his stomach was built so it rounded out,
His face was pleasant and all the while,
He wore an honest, genial smile.
The choir in the distance, the echoes awake,
The man kept still while the woman spoke.
Oh the grandest, the golden gate she said,
We two come hither beseeching thee,
To let us enter the Heavenly land,
And play on harps with the Angel Band.
Of me Saint Peter there isn't a doubt,
There's nothing in Heaven can bar me out.
I've been to the meetings, three times a week,
And almost always I rise and speak.
I've told the sinners about the day,
They would repent of their evil way.
I've told my neighbours, I've told them all,
About Adam and Eve, and their primal fall.
I've marked their faith in duty clear,
Laid out their plans for their whole career.
So good Saint Peter, you can plainly see,
That the Gate of Heaven is open to me.
But my old man, I regret to say,
Haven't walked exactly the narrow way.
He smokes and swears and grave faults he's got,
So I don't know whether he'll pass or not.
He never would pray with an honest vim,
Or go to revivals or join in a hymn,
So I had to leave him in sorrow there,
While I with the chosen united in prayer.
He ate what the pantry chose to afford,
While I in my purity, sang to the Lord.
And then if cucumbers were all that he got,
There's a chance if he merited them or not.
But of Saint Pete, I love him so,
To the pleasures of Heaven, please let him go.
I've been enough of the Saint, I've been,
Now won't that atone, can't you let him in.
By my grim gospel, I know it is so,
The unrepented must fry below,
But isn't there some way you can see,
To let him in who is dear to me.
It's a narrow gospel by which I pray,
But the chosen expect to find some way,
Of coaxing or bribing or fooling you,
So their relations can amble through,
And Saint Peter my sight is dimmed,
I don't like the way your whiskers are trimmed.
They are cut too narrow and outward tossed,
They would look much better cut straight across.
So we must be going, our crowns to win,
Now open Saint Peter and we`ll pass in.
Saint Peter stood still and stroked his staff,
In spite of his office, he had to laugh.
Then he said with a fire agleam in his eye,
Who`s tending this gate you or I.
He then arose in a stature tall,
And pressed a button upon the wall,
He said to the Imp that answered the bell,
Escort this Women down to Hell.
The man stood as a piece of stone,
Sadly, gloomily there alone.
One life lone settled he had,
That his wife was good while he was bad,
So if she had to go to regions dim,
There wasn't a ghost of a show for him.
Slowly he turned by habit bent,
To follow that women where ever she went,
Saint Peter standing on duty there,
Observed the top of his head was bare,
And calling the gentlemen back he said,
Say friend how long have you been wed?
Thirty years said the man with a sigh,
And then he thoughtfully added, why.
Saint Peter first looked up, then down,
Then he raised his head and scratched his crown,
And seeming a different thought to take,
Slowly half to himself he spoke.
Thirty years with that woman there
No wonder the man hasn't any hair.
Swearing is wicked and smoking isn't good,
He smoked and he swore, I should say he would.
Thirty years with a tongue so sharp,
Angel Gabriel, bring him a harp.
Bring him a harp with golden strings,
Good sir, pass in, while the angels sing,
Gabriel gave him a seat alone,
One with a cushion near the throne.
See that on the finest aroma he feeds,
He`s had about all the hell he needs,
It wouldn't be just the right thing to do.
To roast him on earth and the future to,
So they gave him a robe with glittering wings,
And a jewel harp with golden strings.
He said as he entered the realm of day,
Well this beats cucumbers any way.
And so the scripture came to pass,
That the last shall be first,
And the first shall be last.Are christians afraid God might make the wrong decision if they don't constantly remind him of who to burn?
When people are trying to tell God what to do, can they really be called christians?
A true Christian has the real understanding of what it is to be a Christian, (ie; the way of the Father [God] with his children), not what is currently ascribed to being christian.
Most so called christians are nothing more than legallistic bible thumpers, and are not children of God, some ignorantly, and some intentionally.Are christians afraid God might make the wrong decision if they don't constantly remind him of who to burn?
Put down the crack pipe and go to bed. Willya?
Hayden,
dont copy a song, poem ask your ?
God is not in need of reminders, He is wanting your salvation
no ones burning on my watch
I've never asked God to let anyone burn.
The poem is entertaining. In fact, it was fun to read, but such writings are for musing and fun, however it shouldn't be taken seriously especially to be a base or standard to measure others by. It is a means for reflection, to better oneself, to make personal gains in spiritual development.
This is hilarious.... what do you think?
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME__________________________________鈥? DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_________ _________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ________________________________________鈥?br>
________________________________________鈥?
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
________________________________________鈥?br>
________________________________________鈥?
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
________________________________________鈥?br>
________________________________________鈥?br>
In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
________________________________________鈥?br>
________________________________________鈥?
In a minimum of at least 50 words , what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
________________________________________鈥?
________________________________________鈥?br>
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ________________________________________鈥?
How often you attend ________________________________________鈥?br>
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want shot would be:
________________________________________鈥?br>
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
________________________________________鈥?
C: A woman's place is in the:
________ ________________________________________鈥?br>
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
________________________________________鈥?
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
________________________________________鈥?br>
________________________________________鈥?
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
________________________________________鈥?br>
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE , CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
______________________________________鈥?
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.This is hilarious.... what do you think?
that's cute...a little over board though
This is hilarious.... what do you think?
LMAO!
wow i feel really bad for your daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME__________________________________鈥? DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_________ _________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ________________________________________鈥?br>
________________________________________鈥?
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
________________________________________鈥?br>
________________________________________鈥?
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
________________________________________鈥?br>
________________________________________鈥?br>
In a minimum of at least 50 words, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
________________________________________鈥?br>
________________________________________鈥?
In a minimum of at least 50 words , what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
________________________________________鈥?
________________________________________鈥?br>
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ________________________________________鈥?
How often you attend ________________________________________鈥?br>
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want shot would be:
________________________________________鈥?br>
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
________________________________________鈥?
C: A woman's place is in the:
________ ________________________________________鈥?br>
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
________________________________________鈥?
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
________________________________________鈥?br>
________________________________________鈥?
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
________________________________________鈥?br>
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE , CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
______________________________________鈥?
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.This is hilarious.... what do you think?
that's cute...a little over board though
This is hilarious.... what do you think?
LMAO!
wow i feel really bad for your daughter
Is this our future president?
During her questioning of Gen. David Petraeus this week, Sen. Hillary Clinton said to the general, “You have been made the de facto spokesmen for what many of us believe to be a failed policy. Despite what I view as your rather extraordinary efforts in your testimony ... I think that the reports that you provide to us really require the willing suspension of disbelief.”
Petraeus’s supporters say Hillary was calling him a liar. When you read it, particularly if you focus on the second sentence, that’s how it seems. But if you actually heard her say it, it sounded like she was making a compliment and then sort of taking it back. NPR correspondent David Welna heard it the same way, too, describing it as a “careful weaving of praise and skepticism.”
Since everyone’s made up their minds about the good general, let’s talk about that careful weaving instead.
Hillary Clinton doesn’t say anything by accident. This is the key difference between her and her husband. Bill is an oleaginous people pleaser, a cross between Franklin Roosevelt and the guy looking for a free drink at the end of the bar. If he sidles up to someone who loves Tito Puente, he’ll be quick to say, “Oh, I’ve been listening to him for years!” If he meets someone who hates Tito Puente, he’ll shed a single tear and bite his lip that he just couldn’t get Puente’s albums banned, because of that awful Republican-controlled Congress. And sometimes he’ll please both parties simultaneously. To paraphrase Yogi Berra, when Bill comes to a fork in the road, he takes it. But in his eagerness, you can sometimes catch the duplicity.
With Hillary it’s much harder. She plans everything. Her notion of spontaneity is changing her brand of day planner without having a meeting about it first. One can imagine her practicing every important pronouncement in front of a mirror with color-coded flashcards. “She does her homework” has to be the most bipartisan accolade of our age.
But just because Hillary is about as impulsive as a pet rock, it doesn’t mean that she’s as different from her husband as it seems. Both have mastered the art of having it both ways. Indeed, Clintonite “triangulation” and “Third Way” politics were always about having your cake and eating it too. For instance, Hillary has managed to be the leader of a rabidly anti-war party and the most hawkish Democrat in the field at the same time.
It’s just that Bill could speak with a forked tongue on the fly. Off the cuff he said he agreed with the minority but would have voted with majority when it came to the first Gulf War. He tried pot but didn’t inhale. Monica Lewinsky had sexual contact with him, but he never had sexual contact with her.
What Bill says with rakish bluster, Hillary pulls off with schoolmarmish fog.
For example, in a recent interview with Salon, Walter Shapiro asked Hillary Clinton whether she took offense to commentators using only her first name. She said that she has an “open mind” about the practice but sympathizes with feminists who complain that it’s demeaning. But she also thinks it’s just fine for her own campaign to refer to her relentlessly — and sometimes almost exclusively — as “Hillary.” In one convoluted paragraph she manages to admit that she does something that is sexist for others to do, but claims to have an open mind about it.
During the YouTube-CNN Democratic debate, she was asked what a liberal is and whether she is one. In a brilliantly crafted non-answer, she explained that the word “originally meant that you were for freedom ... that you were willing to stand against big power and on behalf of the individual.” But, “in the last 30, 40 years it has been turned up on its head” as a word to describe “big government.” That’s exactly right, though she made it sound like mean-spirited conservatives slandered the word, assigning no blame to liberals themselves.
Indeed, it actually sounded like the woman who wanted to nationalize one-seventh of the U.S. economy was never in favor of big government. But rather than admit she’s a liberal, she pulls the rhetorical rip cord and parachutes to safety: “I prefer the word ‘progressive,’” she proclaimed, “which has a real American meaning, going back to the progressive era at the beginning of the 20th century. I consider myself a modern progressive.” Refusing to define that, she moved on, neglecting to mention that progressives — modern and old-fashioned alike — believe in big government, too.
Clinton’s criticism of Petraeus was offensive on the merits, but it was interesting because Hillary failed to tell every constituency what it wanted to hear. I guess practice doesn’t always make perfect.Is this our future president?
Dont worry, she wont even make it past the Iowa caucus
Liberal Thumbs down button ---------%26gt;Is this our future president?
She will never win. She is a disgrace.
I think your going to be very disappointed in Nov. 08.
I Hope Not since Hillary has NO Vision BUT Bigger Govt,more Taxes %26amp; More invasion of privacy by Big Govt etc since the Dems coddle voters %26amp; treat voters like infants.
Stand Up %26amp; Vote %26amp; be Counted.
Only JFK had Vision %26amp; he was shot in 1963.
Dems since JFK had NO Vision.
NO Dreams to make the USA Great.
Your right she is the master of the non phrase, but that will be her down fall. Remember Kerry's whole I was for the war before I was against it thing
Excellent observation, but she's not good at hiding unrehearsed Tourettes outbursts....
';It's all about ';fairness,'; says Hillary. And ';fairness doesn't just happen. It requires the right government policies.';';
Where is the G-damn f**king flag? I want the G-damn f**king flag up every f**king morning at f**king sunrise.';
(From the book ';Inside The White House'; by Ronald Kessler, p. 244 - Hillary to the staff at the Arkansas Governor's mansion on Labor Day, 1991)
';You sold out, you mother f**ker! You sold out!';
From the book ';Inside'; by Joseph Califano, p. 213 - Hillary yelling at Democrat lawyer.
';It's been said, and I think it's accurate, that my husband was obsessed by terrorism in general and al-qaida in particular.';
(Hillary telling a post-9/11 world what a 'great' commander in chief her husband was; Dateline, NBC 4/16/2004.)
';I have to admit that a good deal of what my husband and I have learned [about Islam] has come from our daughter.';
(TruthInMedia.org 8/8/1999 - Hillary at a White House function, proudly tells some Muslim groups she is gaining a greater appreciation of Islam because Chelsea was then taking a class on the ';religion of peace';)
';F**k off! It's enough that I have to see you ****-kickers every day, I'm not going to talk to you too!! Just do your G*damn job and keep your mouth shut.';
(From the book ';American Evita'; by Christopher Anderson, p. 90 - Hillary to her State Trooper bodyguards after one of them greeted her with ';Good morning.';
';You f**king idiot.';
(From the book ';Crossfire'; p. 84 - Hillary to a State Trooper who was driving her to an event.)
';If you want to remain on this detail, get your f**king *** over here and grab those bags!';
(From the book ';The First Partner'; p. 259 - Hillary to a Secret Service Agent who was reluctant to carry her luggage because he wanted to keep his hands free in case of an incident.)
';Get f**ked! Get the f**k out of my way!!! Get out of my face!!!';
(From the book ';Hillary's Scheme'; p. 89 - Hillary's various comments to her Secret Service detail agents.)
';Stay the f**k back, stay the f**k away from me! Don't come within ten yards of me, or else! Just f**king do as I say, Okay!!!?';
(From the book ';Unlimited Access';, by Clinton FBI Agent in Charge, Gary Aldrige, p. 139 - Hillary screaming at her Secret Service detail.)
';Many of you are well enough off that [President Bush's] tax cuts may have helped you. We're saying that for America to get back on track, we're probably going to cut that short and not give it to you. We're going to have to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.';
(Hillary grandstanding at a fund raising speech in San Francisco ; SFGate.com 6/28/2004.)
';Why do I have to keep proving to people that I am not a liar?!';
(From the book ';The Survivor,'; by John Harris, p. 382 - Hillary in her 2000 Senate campaign)
';Where's the miserable c*ck sucker?';
(From the book ';The Truth About Hillary'; by Edward Klein, p. 5 - Hillary shouting at a Secret Service officer)
';No matter what you think about the Iraq war, there is one thing we can all agree on for the next days - we have to salute the courage and bravery of those who are risking their lives to vote and those brave Iraqi and American soldiers fighting to protect their right to vote.
(Was posted on Hillary Clinton's senate.gov web site on 1/28/05)
';Put this on the ground! I left my sunglasses in the limo. I need those sunglasses. We need to go back!';
(From the book ';Dereliction of Duty'; p. 71-72 - Hillary to Marine One helicopter pilot to turn back while en route to Air Force One.)
';A right-wing network was after his presidency...including perverting the Constitution.';
(To Barbara Walters about the Republicans who impeached her husband; 20/20, ABC 6/8/2003.)
';Son of a *****.';
(From the book ';American Evita'; by Christopher Anderson, p. 259 - Hillary's opinion of President George W. Bush when she found out he secretly visited Iraq just days before her highly publicized trip to Iraq)
';What are you doing inviting these people into my home? These people are our enemies! They are trying to destroy us!';
(From the book ';The Survivor'; by John Harris, p. 99 - Hillary screaming to an aide, when she found out that some Republicans had been invited to the Clinton White House)
';I mean, you've got a conservative and right-wing press presence with really nothing on the other end of the political spectrum.';
(C-Span, 1/19/1997 - Hillary complains about the mainstream media, which are all conservatives in her opinion)
';Come on Bill, put your dick up! You can't f**k her here!!';
(From the book ';Inside The White House'; by Ronald Kessler, p. 243 - Hillary to Gov. Clinton when she spots him talking with an attractive female at an Arkansas political rally)
You know, I'm going to start thanking the woman who cleans the restroom in the building I work in. I'm going to start thinking of her as a human being -Hillary Clinton
(From the book ';The Case Against Hillary Clinton'; by Peggy Noonan, p. 55)
';You show people what you're willing to fight for when you fight your friends.';
(From the book ';The Agenda'; by Bob Woodward, ch. 14)
';We are at a stage in history in which remolding society is one of the great challenges facing all of us in the West.';
(From the book ';I've Always Been A Yankee Fan'; by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 119 - During her 1993 commencement address at the University of Texas)
';The only way to make a difference is to acquire power';
(From the book ';I've Always Been A Yankee Fan'; by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 68 - Hillary to a friend before starting law school.)
';We just can't trust the American people to make those types of choices.... Government has to make those choices for people';
(From the book ';I've Always Been A Yankee Fan'; by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 20 - Hillary to Rep. Dennis Hastert in 1993 discussing her expensive, disastrous taxpayer-funded health care plan)
';I am a fan of the social policies that you find in Europe'; Hillary in 1996'; From the book ';I've Always Been A Yankee Fan'; by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 76 - Hillary in 1996)
God, I hope not. She is a snake. It just goes to show the liberal mentality that they are taken in in by her.
Quite possibly, yes.
Could you repeat the question? It seems a bit vague. Petraeus has to submit to questions and he has the ability to defend or digress, but doesn't, because he's the Presidents Man. It's a given.
Here's a report from Iraq about it.
';';A joint ABC/BBC poll released this week shows 70 percent of Iraqis believe security has deteriorated since the Bush administration increased the number of troops in Iraq this Spring. Some 60 percent believe attacks on U.S. forces are justified, a number that includes 93 percent of Sunnis.
According to the poll, only 29 percent of Iraqis now think the situation will get better, compared to 64 percent who shared that optimism before the so-called ';surge'; of troops began.
';One of the most cynical things General Petraeus did was celebrate the fact that there's a decline in sectarian violence,'; Susskind said. ';But that drop reflects the success of ethnic cleansing rather than anything the U.S. military has done. The reality is that there are places where killing is down because there's nobody left to kill.';
According to the group Refugees International, nearly 5 million Iraqis have been forced from their homes since the fall of Saddam Hussein. More than 2 million people are now displaced inside the country, the group says, and an additional 2.5 million have fled to neighboring countries.
The numbers continue to grow with as many as 100,000 per month newly displaced within the country and another 40,000 to 60,000 fleeing to Syria.';';
So, it's understandable,these 'mixed emotions'.
(if you think word mincing is political debate, it's probably why we went to war in Iraq in the first place, but that seems to make everyones day.. to day. )
Just a tiny comment; no real answer for this one--
Hillary doesn't exactly reperesent the traditional feminist (equality for both sexes)
--she was simply too nice to Patraeus--a traditional feminist may try to beat him up a little (play on words, excuse me); like this:
';Why have you NOT WON yet?';
Feminists do not accept cheating husbands.
And personally question, who knows what is going on in Iraq, better than someone who has been there?
I think if you could somehow hold an election now she would win b/c everyone is angry frustrated and confused. I'm pretty certain she'll get the nomination.But in the time between now and the election she's going to self destruct just like every other stupid liberal extremist does. Just like John Kerry did. There winning and then they go to far and people see the real person and back away.
Have you ever been winning an argument, you have the person on the ropes and the you say something stupid or extreme and suddenly you look like a fool b/c it exposes your entire argument as being BS? That's were this is going ,Dems don't know how to win an election. GW could give the state of the union in full Nazi regalia and the dems would eventually ';F'; it up.
I have no real loyalty to either party. If democrats would put a person up that would not want to turn us into a socialist country I would probably vote for them.
OK ..... so if Hillary wove you a safety net would you trust it enough to keep you from hitting the ground and possibly killing yourself? Words are just words unless you can use them with emotion. Use of double speak, and in her case, shrieking almost always negate any possibility of winning a ear to listen. Fortunately, the Clinton's are their own worst enemy. They are phonies from the get go!
Interesting summary of the public and private Hillary. (If you didn't pen this yourself could you provide a link; if you did Bravo!)
Thanks to Cookies for the quotes that my Democrat friends would dismiss out of hand using the lesser of two evil argument.
I find myself defending her when arguing with right wingers because most of their criticisms border on fantasy (';She's a Socialist.)
When with Democrats (I'm a Green because of Politicians like her and Feinstein) I point out her long support of the U.S. Imperialist presence (';we have a strategic intersest in Iraq';) in Iraq and that her rhetoric only changed when polls showed it would boost her popularity by ';saying'; she wants the troops (some) brought home. I also show her longtime support for undemocratic Corporate-managed ';Free Trade'; pacts (NAFTA, WTO...) that have cost millions of Americans jobs.
The fact that she leads in polls here in California shows she is a well oiled PR machine that can always say the right thing to the right crowd and never really stand for much; outside of her solid stance on Social issues-which I guess has been enough for most Democrats.
The Clintons and Bush family have been bestest buds for years...since Hillary is a former Young Republican and her hubby was AG in Arkansas shilling for the CIA at Mena Airport during the Iran-Contra Scandal...and just like the bin Ladens who also are long-time friends with the Bushs...the Clintons play their part in the dumbing down of the US voter...yes...I said the bin Ladens are friends of Bush...they helped bail out Junior in his failed Arbusto Oil dreams and after Sept 11th...Bush had the military fly all the bin Laden family members to Switzerland and avoid any embarrasing questioning...
As for myself, a Navy Veteran, I prefer someone with a long record of supporting Veterans...someone whose campaign manager is a Combat Veteran named Mike Klein...and that candidate for President is Dennis Kucinich...he tells the American people the truth and is more interested in preserving the Constitution than all of the GOP combined...
Clinton, Bush and most of the other candidates on both sides of the aisle are merely vague versions of the same molded corporate funded do-nothing Republicrats whose sole purpose is to enabled the pilferage of the public treasury and embed themselves and their friends in positions of power so that that robber-barronesque tact may continue...
Mike Price
As a former Clinton supporter - if Democrats are REAL honest with themselves they know that Al Gore would probably be president if Clinton had kept his zipper zipped.
When the Clinton's live in government housing, Bill's behavior is problematic.
It would be absurd and IMMORAL to vote for a repeat!
This question proves that double speak is not the exclusive domain of politicians.
There is another phrase that describes what you took so many words to post. It's called ';being clever';, and that is what politicians have to do in order to get elected these days.
It seems in the multiple paragraphs and numerous responses of conservatives, that their real problem with Hillary is that she is just too darn good.
Hillary will be the next U.S. President because she is doing a great job as a campaigner, working smart, working hard, and not giving anything for the repub dirty deeds department to go after. In addition, the nineties, when Bill was Pres., was a great decade, even many conservative miss the boom period, and Bill did more to create a competitive market to create that boom than Reagan ever desired. Lastly, Hillary will become the next president because GW and his neocons have messed up this country beyond all belief, so badly that even conservatives have stopped trying to defend him.
The democratic party isn't perfect, but it is waaay better than the current repub party.
Petraeus’s supporters say Hillary was calling him a liar. When you read it, particularly if you focus on the second sentence, that’s how it seems. But if you actually heard her say it, it sounded like she was making a compliment and then sort of taking it back. NPR correspondent David Welna heard it the same way, too, describing it as a “careful weaving of praise and skepticism.”
Since everyone’s made up their minds about the good general, let’s talk about that careful weaving instead.
Hillary Clinton doesn’t say anything by accident. This is the key difference between her and her husband. Bill is an oleaginous people pleaser, a cross between Franklin Roosevelt and the guy looking for a free drink at the end of the bar. If he sidles up to someone who loves Tito Puente, he’ll be quick to say, “Oh, I’ve been listening to him for years!” If he meets someone who hates Tito Puente, he’ll shed a single tear and bite his lip that he just couldn’t get Puente’s albums banned, because of that awful Republican-controlled Congress. And sometimes he’ll please both parties simultaneously. To paraphrase Yogi Berra, when Bill comes to a fork in the road, he takes it. But in his eagerness, you can sometimes catch the duplicity.
With Hillary it’s much harder. She plans everything. Her notion of spontaneity is changing her brand of day planner without having a meeting about it first. One can imagine her practicing every important pronouncement in front of a mirror with color-coded flashcards. “She does her homework” has to be the most bipartisan accolade of our age.
But just because Hillary is about as impulsive as a pet rock, it doesn’t mean that she’s as different from her husband as it seems. Both have mastered the art of having it both ways. Indeed, Clintonite “triangulation” and “Third Way” politics were always about having your cake and eating it too. For instance, Hillary has managed to be the leader of a rabidly anti-war party and the most hawkish Democrat in the field at the same time.
It’s just that Bill could speak with a forked tongue on the fly. Off the cuff he said he agreed with the minority but would have voted with majority when it came to the first Gulf War. He tried pot but didn’t inhale. Monica Lewinsky had sexual contact with him, but he never had sexual contact with her.
What Bill says with rakish bluster, Hillary pulls off with schoolmarmish fog.
For example, in a recent interview with Salon, Walter Shapiro asked Hillary Clinton whether she took offense to commentators using only her first name. She said that she has an “open mind” about the practice but sympathizes with feminists who complain that it’s demeaning. But she also thinks it’s just fine for her own campaign to refer to her relentlessly — and sometimes almost exclusively — as “Hillary.” In one convoluted paragraph she manages to admit that she does something that is sexist for others to do, but claims to have an open mind about it.
During the YouTube-CNN Democratic debate, she was asked what a liberal is and whether she is one. In a brilliantly crafted non-answer, she explained that the word “originally meant that you were for freedom ... that you were willing to stand against big power and on behalf of the individual.” But, “in the last 30, 40 years it has been turned up on its head” as a word to describe “big government.” That’s exactly right, though she made it sound like mean-spirited conservatives slandered the word, assigning no blame to liberals themselves.
Indeed, it actually sounded like the woman who wanted to nationalize one-seventh of the U.S. economy was never in favor of big government. But rather than admit she’s a liberal, she pulls the rhetorical rip cord and parachutes to safety: “I prefer the word ‘progressive,’” she proclaimed, “which has a real American meaning, going back to the progressive era at the beginning of the 20th century. I consider myself a modern progressive.” Refusing to define that, she moved on, neglecting to mention that progressives — modern and old-fashioned alike — believe in big government, too.
Clinton’s criticism of Petraeus was offensive on the merits, but it was interesting because Hillary failed to tell every constituency what it wanted to hear. I guess practice doesn’t always make perfect.Is this our future president?
Dont worry, she wont even make it past the Iowa caucus
Liberal Thumbs down button ---------%26gt;Is this our future president?
She will never win. She is a disgrace.
I think your going to be very disappointed in Nov. 08.
I Hope Not since Hillary has NO Vision BUT Bigger Govt,more Taxes %26amp; More invasion of privacy by Big Govt etc since the Dems coddle voters %26amp; treat voters like infants.
Stand Up %26amp; Vote %26amp; be Counted.
Only JFK had Vision %26amp; he was shot in 1963.
Dems since JFK had NO Vision.
NO Dreams to make the USA Great.
Your right she is the master of the non phrase, but that will be her down fall. Remember Kerry's whole I was for the war before I was against it thing
Excellent observation, but she's not good at hiding unrehearsed Tourettes outbursts....
';It's all about ';fairness,'; says Hillary. And ';fairness doesn't just happen. It requires the right government policies.';';
Where is the G-damn f**king flag? I want the G-damn f**king flag up every f**king morning at f**king sunrise.';
(From the book ';Inside The White House'; by Ronald Kessler, p. 244 - Hillary to the staff at the Arkansas Governor's mansion on Labor Day, 1991)
';You sold out, you mother f**ker! You sold out!';
From the book ';Inside'; by Joseph Califano, p. 213 - Hillary yelling at Democrat lawyer.
';It's been said, and I think it's accurate, that my husband was obsessed by terrorism in general and al-qaida in particular.';
(Hillary telling a post-9/11 world what a 'great' commander in chief her husband was; Dateline, NBC 4/16/2004.)
';I have to admit that a good deal of what my husband and I have learned [about Islam] has come from our daughter.';
(TruthInMedia.org 8/8/1999 - Hillary at a White House function, proudly tells some Muslim groups she is gaining a greater appreciation of Islam because Chelsea was then taking a class on the ';religion of peace';)
';F**k off! It's enough that I have to see you ****-kickers every day, I'm not going to talk to you too!! Just do your G*damn job and keep your mouth shut.';
(From the book ';American Evita'; by Christopher Anderson, p. 90 - Hillary to her State Trooper bodyguards after one of them greeted her with ';Good morning.';
';You f**king idiot.';
(From the book ';Crossfire'; p. 84 - Hillary to a State Trooper who was driving her to an event.)
';If you want to remain on this detail, get your f**king *** over here and grab those bags!';
(From the book ';The First Partner'; p. 259 - Hillary to a Secret Service Agent who was reluctant to carry her luggage because he wanted to keep his hands free in case of an incident.)
';Get f**ked! Get the f**k out of my way!!! Get out of my face!!!';
(From the book ';Hillary's Scheme'; p. 89 - Hillary's various comments to her Secret Service detail agents.)
';Stay the f**k back, stay the f**k away from me! Don't come within ten yards of me, or else! Just f**king do as I say, Okay!!!?';
(From the book ';Unlimited Access';, by Clinton FBI Agent in Charge, Gary Aldrige, p. 139 - Hillary screaming at her Secret Service detail.)
';Many of you are well enough off that [President Bush's] tax cuts may have helped you. We're saying that for America to get back on track, we're probably going to cut that short and not give it to you. We're going to have to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.';
(Hillary grandstanding at a fund raising speech in San Francisco ; SFGate.com 6/28/2004.)
';Why do I have to keep proving to people that I am not a liar?!';
(From the book ';The Survivor,'; by John Harris, p. 382 - Hillary in her 2000 Senate campaign)
';Where's the miserable c*ck sucker?';
(From the book ';The Truth About Hillary'; by Edward Klein, p. 5 - Hillary shouting at a Secret Service officer)
';No matter what you think about the Iraq war, there is one thing we can all agree on for the next days - we have to salute the courage and bravery of those who are risking their lives to vote and those brave Iraqi and American soldiers fighting to protect their right to vote.
(Was posted on Hillary Clinton's senate.gov web site on 1/28/05)
';Put this on the ground! I left my sunglasses in the limo. I need those sunglasses. We need to go back!';
(From the book ';Dereliction of Duty'; p. 71-72 - Hillary to Marine One helicopter pilot to turn back while en route to Air Force One.)
';A right-wing network was after his presidency...including perverting the Constitution.';
(To Barbara Walters about the Republicans who impeached her husband; 20/20, ABC 6/8/2003.)
';Son of a *****.';
(From the book ';American Evita'; by Christopher Anderson, p. 259 - Hillary's opinion of President George W. Bush when she found out he secretly visited Iraq just days before her highly publicized trip to Iraq)
';What are you doing inviting these people into my home? These people are our enemies! They are trying to destroy us!';
(From the book ';The Survivor'; by John Harris, p. 99 - Hillary screaming to an aide, when she found out that some Republicans had been invited to the Clinton White House)
';I mean, you've got a conservative and right-wing press presence with really nothing on the other end of the political spectrum.';
(C-Span, 1/19/1997 - Hillary complains about the mainstream media, which are all conservatives in her opinion)
';Come on Bill, put your dick up! You can't f**k her here!!';
(From the book ';Inside The White House'; by Ronald Kessler, p. 243 - Hillary to Gov. Clinton when she spots him talking with an attractive female at an Arkansas political rally)
You know, I'm going to start thanking the woman who cleans the restroom in the building I work in. I'm going to start thinking of her as a human being -Hillary Clinton
(From the book ';The Case Against Hillary Clinton'; by Peggy Noonan, p. 55)
';You show people what you're willing to fight for when you fight your friends.';
(From the book ';The Agenda'; by Bob Woodward, ch. 14)
';We are at a stage in history in which remolding society is one of the great challenges facing all of us in the West.';
(From the book ';I've Always Been A Yankee Fan'; by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 119 - During her 1993 commencement address at the University of Texas)
';The only way to make a difference is to acquire power';
(From the book ';I've Always Been A Yankee Fan'; by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 68 - Hillary to a friend before starting law school.)
';We just can't trust the American people to make those types of choices.... Government has to make those choices for people';
(From the book ';I've Always Been A Yankee Fan'; by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 20 - Hillary to Rep. Dennis Hastert in 1993 discussing her expensive, disastrous taxpayer-funded health care plan)
';I am a fan of the social policies that you find in Europe'; Hillary in 1996'; From the book ';I've Always Been A Yankee Fan'; by Thomas D. Kuiper, p. 76 - Hillary in 1996)
God, I hope not. She is a snake. It just goes to show the liberal mentality that they are taken in in by her.
Quite possibly, yes.
Could you repeat the question? It seems a bit vague. Petraeus has to submit to questions and he has the ability to defend or digress, but doesn't, because he's the Presidents Man. It's a given.
Here's a report from Iraq about it.
';';A joint ABC/BBC poll released this week shows 70 percent of Iraqis believe security has deteriorated since the Bush administration increased the number of troops in Iraq this Spring. Some 60 percent believe attacks on U.S. forces are justified, a number that includes 93 percent of Sunnis.
According to the poll, only 29 percent of Iraqis now think the situation will get better, compared to 64 percent who shared that optimism before the so-called ';surge'; of troops began.
';One of the most cynical things General Petraeus did was celebrate the fact that there's a decline in sectarian violence,'; Susskind said. ';But that drop reflects the success of ethnic cleansing rather than anything the U.S. military has done. The reality is that there are places where killing is down because there's nobody left to kill.';
According to the group Refugees International, nearly 5 million Iraqis have been forced from their homes since the fall of Saddam Hussein. More than 2 million people are now displaced inside the country, the group says, and an additional 2.5 million have fled to neighboring countries.
The numbers continue to grow with as many as 100,000 per month newly displaced within the country and another 40,000 to 60,000 fleeing to Syria.';';
So, it's understandable,these 'mixed emotions'.
(if you think word mincing is political debate, it's probably why we went to war in Iraq in the first place, but that seems to make everyones day.. to day. )
Just a tiny comment; no real answer for this one--
Hillary doesn't exactly reperesent the traditional feminist (equality for both sexes)
--she was simply too nice to Patraeus--a traditional feminist may try to beat him up a little (play on words, excuse me); like this:
';Why have you NOT WON yet?';
Feminists do not accept cheating husbands.
And personally question, who knows what is going on in Iraq, better than someone who has been there?
I think if you could somehow hold an election now she would win b/c everyone is angry frustrated and confused. I'm pretty certain she'll get the nomination.But in the time between now and the election she's going to self destruct just like every other stupid liberal extremist does. Just like John Kerry did. There winning and then they go to far and people see the real person and back away.
Have you ever been winning an argument, you have the person on the ropes and the you say something stupid or extreme and suddenly you look like a fool b/c it exposes your entire argument as being BS? That's were this is going ,Dems don't know how to win an election. GW could give the state of the union in full Nazi regalia and the dems would eventually ';F'; it up.
I have no real loyalty to either party. If democrats would put a person up that would not want to turn us into a socialist country I would probably vote for them.
OK ..... so if Hillary wove you a safety net would you trust it enough to keep you from hitting the ground and possibly killing yourself? Words are just words unless you can use them with emotion. Use of double speak, and in her case, shrieking almost always negate any possibility of winning a ear to listen. Fortunately, the Clinton's are their own worst enemy. They are phonies from the get go!
Interesting summary of the public and private Hillary. (If you didn't pen this yourself could you provide a link; if you did Bravo!)
Thanks to Cookies for the quotes that my Democrat friends would dismiss out of hand using the lesser of two evil argument.
I find myself defending her when arguing with right wingers because most of their criticisms border on fantasy (';She's a Socialist.)
When with Democrats (I'm a Green because of Politicians like her and Feinstein) I point out her long support of the U.S. Imperialist presence (';we have a strategic intersest in Iraq';) in Iraq and that her rhetoric only changed when polls showed it would boost her popularity by ';saying'; she wants the troops (some) brought home. I also show her longtime support for undemocratic Corporate-managed ';Free Trade'; pacts (NAFTA, WTO...) that have cost millions of Americans jobs.
The fact that she leads in polls here in California shows she is a well oiled PR machine that can always say the right thing to the right crowd and never really stand for much; outside of her solid stance on Social issues-which I guess has been enough for most Democrats.
The Clintons and Bush family have been bestest buds for years...since Hillary is a former Young Republican and her hubby was AG in Arkansas shilling for the CIA at Mena Airport during the Iran-Contra Scandal...and just like the bin Ladens who also are long-time friends with the Bushs...the Clintons play their part in the dumbing down of the US voter...yes...I said the bin Ladens are friends of Bush...they helped bail out Junior in his failed Arbusto Oil dreams and after Sept 11th...Bush had the military fly all the bin Laden family members to Switzerland and avoid any embarrasing questioning...
As for myself, a Navy Veteran, I prefer someone with a long record of supporting Veterans...someone whose campaign manager is a Combat Veteran named Mike Klein...and that candidate for President is Dennis Kucinich...he tells the American people the truth and is more interested in preserving the Constitution than all of the GOP combined...
Clinton, Bush and most of the other candidates on both sides of the aisle are merely vague versions of the same molded corporate funded do-nothing Republicrats whose sole purpose is to enabled the pilferage of the public treasury and embed themselves and their friends in positions of power so that that robber-barronesque tact may continue...
Mike Price
As a former Clinton supporter - if Democrats are REAL honest with themselves they know that Al Gore would probably be president if Clinton had kept his zipper zipped.
When the Clinton's live in government housing, Bill's behavior is problematic.
It would be absurd and IMMORAL to vote for a repeat!
This question proves that double speak is not the exclusive domain of politicians.
There is another phrase that describes what you took so many words to post. It's called ';being clever';, and that is what politicians have to do in order to get elected these days.
It seems in the multiple paragraphs and numerous responses of conservatives, that their real problem with Hillary is that she is just too darn good.
Hillary will be the next U.S. President because she is doing a great job as a campaigner, working smart, working hard, and not giving anything for the repub dirty deeds department to go after. In addition, the nineties, when Bill was Pres., was a great decade, even many conservative miss the boom period, and Bill did more to create a competitive market to create that boom than Reagan ever desired. Lastly, Hillary will become the next president because GW and his neocons have messed up this country beyond all belief, so badly that even conservatives have stopped trying to defend him.
The democratic party isn't perfect, but it is waaay better than the current repub party.
The Crucible ACT 4 question help plz?
Hi guys... I don't get this... Please help with this question...
How is it that Danforth believes John after months of no confession, but believes he lying when he refuses to indict Martha and Rebecca?
Thank you!
TEXT
Danforth: Mr. Proctor. When the Devil came to you did you see Rebecca Nurse in his company? Proctor is silent. Come, man, take courage--did you ever see her with the Devil?
Proctor, almost inaudibly: No.
Danforth, now sensing trouble, glances at John and goes to the table, and picks up a sheet -- the list of condemned.
Danforth: Did you ever see her sister, Mary Easty, with the Devil?
Proctor: No, I did not.
Danforth, his eyes narrow on Proctor: Did you ever see Martha Corey with the Devil?
Proctor: I did not.
Danforth, realizing, slowly putting the sheet down: Did you ever see anyone with the Devil?
Proctor: I did not.
Danforth: Proctor, you mistake me. I am not empowered to trade your life for a lie. You have most certainly seen some person with the Devil. Proctor is silent. Mr. Proctor, a score of people have already testified they saw this woman with the Devil.
Proctor: Then it is proved. Why must I say it?
Danforth: Why ';must'; you say it! Why, you should rejoice to say it if your soul is truly purged of any love for Hell!
Proctor: They think to go like saints. I like not to spoil their names.
Danforth, inquiring, incredulous: Mr. Proctor, do you think they go like saints?
Proctor, evading: This woman never thought she done the Devil's work.
Danforth: Look you, sir. I think you mistake your duty here. It matters nothing what she thought--she is convicted of the unnatural murder of children, and you for sending your spirit out upon Mary Warren. Your soul alone is the issue here, Mister, and you will prove its whiteness or you cannot live in a Christian country. Will you tell me now what persons conspired with you in the Devil's company?
Proctor is silent. To your knowledge was Rebecca Nurse ever --
Proctor: I speak my own sins; I cannot judge another. Crying out, with hatred: I have no tongue for it.
Hale, quickly to Danforth: Excellency, it is enough he confess himself. Let him sign it, let him sign it.
Parris, feverishly: It is a great service, sir. It is a weighty name; it will strike the village that Proctor confess. I beg you, let him sign it. The sun is up, Excellency!
Danforth, considers; then with dissatisfaction: Come, then, sign your testimony. To
Cheever: Give it to him. Cheever goes to Proctor, the confession and a pen in hand. Proctor does not look at it. Come, man, sign it.The Crucible ACT 4 question help plz?
Well... wouldn't you want to believe that they had been with the devil after executing all the other innocent people? He probably wanted validation for what he was doing and with John not doing that for him it could raise doubt that the others had not been witches. And I doubt he would want to admit that he had been tricked by a bunch of young girls.
How is it that Danforth believes John after months of no confession, but believes he lying when he refuses to indict Martha and Rebecca?
Thank you!
TEXT
Danforth: Mr. Proctor. When the Devil came to you did you see Rebecca Nurse in his company? Proctor is silent. Come, man, take courage--did you ever see her with the Devil?
Proctor, almost inaudibly: No.
Danforth, now sensing trouble, glances at John and goes to the table, and picks up a sheet -- the list of condemned.
Danforth: Did you ever see her sister, Mary Easty, with the Devil?
Proctor: No, I did not.
Danforth, his eyes narrow on Proctor: Did you ever see Martha Corey with the Devil?
Proctor: I did not.
Danforth, realizing, slowly putting the sheet down: Did you ever see anyone with the Devil?
Proctor: I did not.
Danforth: Proctor, you mistake me. I am not empowered to trade your life for a lie. You have most certainly seen some person with the Devil. Proctor is silent. Mr. Proctor, a score of people have already testified they saw this woman with the Devil.
Proctor: Then it is proved. Why must I say it?
Danforth: Why ';must'; you say it! Why, you should rejoice to say it if your soul is truly purged of any love for Hell!
Proctor: They think to go like saints. I like not to spoil their names.
Danforth, inquiring, incredulous: Mr. Proctor, do you think they go like saints?
Proctor, evading: This woman never thought she done the Devil's work.
Danforth: Look you, sir. I think you mistake your duty here. It matters nothing what she thought--she is convicted of the unnatural murder of children, and you for sending your spirit out upon Mary Warren. Your soul alone is the issue here, Mister, and you will prove its whiteness or you cannot live in a Christian country. Will you tell me now what persons conspired with you in the Devil's company?
Proctor is silent. To your knowledge was Rebecca Nurse ever --
Proctor: I speak my own sins; I cannot judge another. Crying out, with hatred: I have no tongue for it.
Hale, quickly to Danforth: Excellency, it is enough he confess himself. Let him sign it, let him sign it.
Parris, feverishly: It is a great service, sir. It is a weighty name; it will strike the village that Proctor confess. I beg you, let him sign it. The sun is up, Excellency!
Danforth, considers; then with dissatisfaction: Come, then, sign your testimony. To
Cheever: Give it to him. Cheever goes to Proctor, the confession and a pen in hand. Proctor does not look at it. Come, man, sign it.The Crucible ACT 4 question help plz?
Well... wouldn't you want to believe that they had been with the devil after executing all the other innocent people? He probably wanted validation for what he was doing and with John not doing that for him it could raise doubt that the others had not been witches. And I doubt he would want to admit that he had been tricked by a bunch of young girls.
Is this funny?
A Texas Chili Contest
Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud,then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Just couldn't resist sending it!
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: ';Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'; Here are the scorecards from the event:
(Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chiliIs this funny?
OMG I love that!!! ....still laughing!!!
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!Is this funny?
Yes, but I like the prison joke a lot
Funny, Judge #3 sounds like Homer Simpson, lol
10/10... I am still laughing... that crap was funny
Really funny lmfao! I think I have a rupture from laughing!By the way,10/10 and a star!
lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is too funny i couldn't stop laughing star for you!!!! good job!
OK you did it. I can't read another joke today. My sides are splitting and I'm still laughing. Won't go to sleep tonight.
Best of the best. I've never laughed so much reading jokes
Thank you, Thank you
lol
I was trying to really control myself from laughing but half way down the joke, i totally lost it!!!
Its so funny!!!
(Now i know why Chris r can be top contributor! Hey all of u can too!! Just follow up w another joke and just copy and paste some even have same answer! Easy!! just like 1,2,3!! So not original)
Didn't laugh once while reading it and I have a great sense of humor. This is humor for young kids and idiots. Give me a joke with adult content and humor and i will laugh. Not boring stuff like this. Way too long.
LOL. Well, I Like It! It is Hilarious! LOL.
I've read it before, but it still makes me laugh!
Great Post!
im not laughing. im clicking report abuse, you didn't have to put those swear words in. :(:(:(:(tvs
Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud,then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Just couldn't resist sending it!
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: ';Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'; Here are the scorecards from the event:
(Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chiliIs this funny?
OMG I love that!!! ....still laughing!!!
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!Is this funny?
Yes, but I like the prison joke a lot
Funny, Judge #3 sounds like Homer Simpson, lol
10/10... I am still laughing... that crap was funny
Really funny lmfao! I think I have a rupture from laughing!By the way,10/10 and a star!
lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is too funny i couldn't stop laughing star for you!!!! good job!
OK you did it. I can't read another joke today. My sides are splitting and I'm still laughing. Won't go to sleep tonight.
Best of the best. I've never laughed so much reading jokes
Thank you, Thank you
lol
I was trying to really control myself from laughing but half way down the joke, i totally lost it!!!
Its so funny!!!
(Now i know why Chris r can be top contributor! Hey all of u can too!! Just follow up w another joke and just copy and paste some even have same answer! Easy!! just like 1,2,3!! So not original)
Didn't laugh once while reading it and I have a great sense of humor. This is humor for young kids and idiots. Give me a joke with adult content and humor and i will laugh. Not boring stuff like this. Way too long.
LOL. Well, I Like It! It is Hilarious! LOL.
I've read it before, but it still makes me laugh!
Great Post!
im not laughing. im clicking report abuse, you didn't have to put those swear words in. :(:(:(:(
Good Ol' Chili?
Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Just couldn't resist sending it!
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: ';Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'; Here are the scorecards from the event:
(Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chiliGood Ol' Chili?
THAT WAS HILLARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!鈥?o my gosh!!!!! i was crying from laughter!!!!!!!fell off my chair and my dog came over to me looking at me like i was crazy!!!! mad my day!!!!!
i read it to my brother too and he went berzerk!!! what was the ending?Good Ol' Chili?
oh my gosh.. i didn't read this tonight.. but i did the other night and laughed hysterically throughout it and approximately 34 minutes after!!!
you just gotta picture the guy doing this!! AHHAHAHA sooooo flippin funny
p.s. you didn't finish it
YES! That was very funny!...star for you!
That's Hillarious!!
Here's another food joke:
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
';I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there.';
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. ';Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.';
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. ';Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.';
';I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.';
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, ';That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, ';Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.';
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
';Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.';
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, ';Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?';
LMAO..realy hot stuff. Good work there.
A golden classic...I recall reading that YEARS ago! Thanks for the memorable laughs! Have a star, dear! Wow, and I thought Texas was not THAT crazy ;) ~NY girl
good one hahahahahahahahhahahahhah!!!
LSHIC = (laughing so hard I'm crying)
WHERE DO YOU GET THESE?
yea it might not be finished but it was really funny, i didnt start tearing up at the end, but it started off really slow especially with the whole explanation thing
waste of time wasnt even that funny
blabla
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: ';Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'; Here are the scorecards from the event:
(Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chiliGood Ol' Chili?
THAT WAS HILLARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!鈥?o my gosh!!!!! i was crying from laughter!!!!!!!fell off my chair and my dog came over to me looking at me like i was crazy!!!! mad my day!!!!!
i read it to my brother too and he went berzerk!!! what was the ending?Good Ol' Chili?
oh my gosh.. i didn't read this tonight.. but i did the other night and laughed hysterically throughout it and approximately 34 minutes after!!!
you just gotta picture the guy doing this!! AHHAHAHA sooooo flippin funny
p.s. you didn't finish it
YES! That was very funny!...star for you!
That's Hillarious!!
Here's another food joke:
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
';I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there.';
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. ';Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.';
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. ';Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.';
';I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.';
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, ';That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, ';Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.';
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
';Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.';
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, ';Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?';
LMAO..realy hot stuff. Good work there.
A golden classic...I recall reading that YEARS ago! Thanks for the memorable laughs! Have a star, dear! Wow, and I thought Texas was not THAT crazy ;) ~NY girl
good one hahahahahahahahhahahahhah!!!
LSHIC = (laughing so hard I'm crying)
WHERE DO YOU GET THESE?
yea it might not be finished but it was really funny, i didnt start tearing up at the end, but it started off really slow especially with the whole explanation thing
waste of time wasnt even that funny
blabla
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)