Good Ol' Chili?

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Just couldn't resist sending it!





Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.





Frank: ';Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili


cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'; Here are the scorecards from the event:





(Frank is Judge #3)








Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...





Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.





Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.





Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove


dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the


flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!











Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...





Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.





Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken


seriously.





Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.











Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...





Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.





Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.





Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...











Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...





Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.





Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.





Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?











Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...





Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,


adding considerable kick. Very impressive.





Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must


admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.





Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from


bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.











Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...





Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.





Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and


garlic. Superb.





Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.











Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...





Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.





Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am


worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.





Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.











Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...





Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too


bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.





Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when





Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chiliGood Ol' Chili?
THAT WAS HILLARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!鈥?o my gosh!!!!! i was crying from laughter!!!!!!!fell off my chair and my dog came over to me looking at me like i was crazy!!!! mad my day!!!!!





i read it to my brother too and he went berzerk!!! what was the ending?Good Ol' Chili?
oh my gosh.. i didn't read this tonight.. but i did the other night and laughed hysterically throughout it and approximately 34 minutes after!!!





you just gotta picture the guy doing this!! AHHAHAHA sooooo flippin funny








p.s. you didn't finish it
YES! That was very funny!...star for you!
That's Hillarious!!


Here's another food joke:





A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.





';I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there.';





A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. ';Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.';





Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.





Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. ';Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.';





';I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.';





The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, ';That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.





Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.





The blind man eats and leaves.





He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, ';Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.';





Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.





';Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.';





The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, ';Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?';
LMAO..realy hot stuff. Good work there.
A golden classic...I recall reading that YEARS ago! Thanks for the memorable laughs! Have a star, dear! Wow, and I thought Texas was not THAT crazy ;) ~NY girl
good one hahahahahahahahhahahahhah!!!





LSHIC = (laughing so hard I'm crying)





WHERE DO YOU GET THESE?
yea it might not be finished but it was really funny, i didnt start tearing up at the end, but it started off really slow especially with the whole explanation thing
waste of time wasnt even that funny
blabla