Hey, I wrote a drabble. Any comments please?

here.








this drabble has no title.





I also wish to be an author but I think I can't write. :| anyway, I just posted this because someone wants to read. :) This took me 3 hours to write this. I'm just bored.





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As I woke up this morning, I felt the coldness of nostalgia.


Absurd! but I'm being eaten by it.


I slumped out of my bed, turned my radio on and took a bath.


I was starving and craving for pancakes.


As I walked through the kitchen, I heard my mom droned on and one, so I abruptly snatched the cereals for breakfast.


I wish to eat in the dinning room but I was vexed by her nag and so I changed pace and went to my bedroom instead.





I fixed my hair, wore my favorite clothes, opened the door and saw my friends waiting for me.


My friends never let boredom take control of them.


They don't want boredom to destroy their bliss, so do I.


So I joined them, headed to the park and had fun.





As we were walking, we saw a madman, whom I took pity once.


He's wearing torn clothes and was holding a bloody puppy, who smeared blood all over the place.


It's bizzare. So we changed pace.





We were heading to the oak tree when we saw an old couple, whom I envied.


I can tell by the looks of their eyes that their love for each other is still burning.


I wish for everyone to find love.





I saw a blissful kid eating an ice cream.


I scanned the whole place and saw a man pushing the ice cream cart.


He stopped when he saw and beamed down.





';Five bucks for this ice cream and you'll have a piece of heaven, young lady'; said the ice cream man who is beaming down at me.


His silver-tongue has flown my hand into my pocket.


I rummaged for five bucks.





He handed me my ice cream and with just one lick, I became ecstatic.


I can't imagine how this ice cream got me into ecstasy.


Maybe because my happiness comes from little things in life.





I decided not to join my friends this time.


I sat on a bench by a sobbing woman of thirty's. I guess.


I took pity on her as well as the madman and so I asked her what's wrong and if she's okay.





';I don't know you, young lady but thanks for your concern.


My husband was gone and he is never coming back'; she said while trying to hold back tears.





';Are you okay?'; I asked for the second time.


I know it's awful and it'll be a sarcasm if she'll say she's okay.





';Do you know how many people have asked that same question?


Thousand! I said I'm fine and faked a smile but can't they feel the sarcasm of the words flowing out of my mouth? If you didn't see me crying, I would prolly say I'm okay and if you didn't see me crying, you won't ask if I'm okay, which would be good for me because I won't have to lie, to say I'm okay though I'm really dreadful'; she said.





I am speechless.


The vivid color of her dress didn't overpower her dreadful emotions which I wish to despise.





';I feel like an ice melting. I feel like I'm burning underwater. I feel like I'm about to explode.';


she uttered abruptly.





I saw the tears rolling down her cheeks though she tried to hold it back.


I felt the hair on the back of my head stood.


It seems like I can feel her pain.





';It's like rubbing a salt on my unhealing wounds and seems like nothing in this world could stop me from crying. I live for him and now he's gone, I don't know who and what do I live for now.


It's bizarre to think that I'm alone in my house now, that there's no one who loves me, care for me and there's no one who never fails to make me feel like I'm the most beautiful girl he has ever laid his eyes upon. If only you had the change to know him, then maybe you'll feel awful too'; she droned on.





';I know how dreadful it is and I can see it in your eyes. I have never experienced that.


But all I can say is be strong.


Life goes on. Try to live your life as normal as you could.


You know, we drown not by falling into the river, but by staying submerge in it.


There's no other choice than moving on and starting a new life.'; I said without batting an eyelid.





I lend her my handkerchief and smiled.


The ice cream man passed by again and I bought her one.


This brought me to ecstasy so I hoped this would make her better.


I handed her the ice cream and she thanked me and smiled back.





'; I feel better now for I have conveyed the reason I've been feeling so down.


And the ice cream was good. I need to go now. Thank you!'; she said.


And left the park wearing her fragmented smile.





I didn't choose to sit by her but maybe it's the fate that brought my feet to that bench.


I feel good knowing that I made someone feel better.


It's quite mistery for me which left me pondering.


What in the world was with that ice cream and a little talks that made someone smile as if by magic?


Though I know that her fragmented smile will soon be eaten by her emotional frailness.


Whatever the reason is, I believe that it's really the small things in life that brings happiness however earth-shHey, I wrote a drabble. Any comments please?
Hi there,





Just wanted to say this... This is not a drabble. Look here:


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drabble





Call it a short story instead.





I can see you're trying to be poetic about this, which is nice, but you do it in an overly pompous style. For light, elegant, poetic prose, simple works best.





Also, you should keep an eye on your ';Is'; - you start a lot of sentences with I.





Cheers


S