PLEASE COMMENT! Id like your opinions on part of my story?

He was a man of immense strength, with a frame sturdier than that of a bull. It was at that single moment I knew I was not going to even try messing with him. Although I knew my powers would give me the advantage, I did not want to spend the next year having to revive the bones I knew he could crush in one grasp.

I kept myself hidden amongst the mass of leaves, I was in their protection. I did not know what his intentions would be so i chose not to show myself. He turned descretely, his head low, looking back for something or someone. I could not hear a voice or footsteps, but maybe he was in hidding himself.

Strapped between his mountain like shoulders, rested a shining, knights sword. The moonlight made the silver glisten and like a magpie I could not help but stare and smile in delight of its beauty, watching the glow wave up and down the blades spine.

The bright fire eluminated the small clearing and a pile of dirty clothes lay beside it, a bit too close to the flames if you ask me. His movements did not match that of his body, he was careful, graceful as he floated almost, back to his seat between the log and fire.

My mouth was extremely dry, so i rubbed my tongue across the plate of it, to try and create more saliva. It did not work as i knew it wouldn't. I knew I needed to feed. The thirst inside me began to give me the shakes now. How long had I been sitting their. I watched my hand infront of me as it shook. I felt it stiffen, my fingertips darkerned and I could feel the cold now, I knew I could not stay much longer but it was then my knees deceived me and gave way. I fell out from my hidding place and perhaps to my death I did not know. I was exposed pray and the cold was taking over me, so I could not move. As a species I began to think we were hopeless. Built with such power but it was so easily taken away and so quickly.

He sprang to life as he saw me fall, the loud crash to the otherside of the fire, leaves scattered everywhere. I was scared now. My legs had completely stiffened, if he wanted to crush me now, he could. He rushed over and raised a small dagger infront of him.

';Which name are you from? Princess of the Dead,'; his voice was rough with know sense of weakness to it. He towered over me now and I could fell the blades chill, tingle along my neck. I could not answer him though, as my throat had completely frozen up now.

';Tell me your name and I will save you demon!';

The dark world as I knew it just got darker and I was now blind, like a woman about to have my head severed from my neck, I braced myself for the final blow. Hoping for a quick death. Then I was gone........





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I awoke, a blazing shock lifted my body from the ground about a foot into the air. I'd never felt so alive. I could feel what we call our heart pounding now, harder and faster as the seconds went by. So fast now I thought it was going to take off from inside me and burst out leaving me lifeless. Luckily it was not of a mortal heart, it was a black space inside me that fed on blood and human souls. That was us though, that was what we were. Not quite vampire but we had their basic principals.

We lived on blood but not only that we fed on souls. The stronger the soul, the longer it would revive us for. If we did not fed we would freeze up and die like leaves in winter. That was our life, but not all i knew. I knew of love and life, as it was before this curse shattered me.

I looked around me once the thumping had calmed down. I was in a pitch black room, I could not see anything except the black space in my chest shining, it twinkled and glistened even through my clothes. It was not bright enough to see anything else with but it gave me hope that I had my sight back. I felt around over my body until i came to the cold, metal devise that had my ankles in a tight lock. I ran my fingers around the chains in search of a slight break or loose connection. I did not find one. Panic hit me. What had happened? Was I dead and this was my own form of hell?

I heard a loud clink, and a bright, white light dazzled my eyes. I rushed my hands to my face to protect them. Gradually I was able to peer through my fingers to look at what the bright light had instore for me. Had God realised I did not choose this life, causing only pain and suffering where ever I went? Or was it just satans prison guards throwing me my daily bread and water or in this case probably burnt out wood and white spirit? It was what i deserved after all. It was then an even brighter light flashed and the whole room took life.PLEASE COMMENT! Id like your opinions on part of my story?
Vampires WHY!!!! It was good until she became one of those stupid things. Get rid of the vampire bit and it will be ok.PLEASE COMMENT! Id like your opinions on part of my story?
I really enjoyed reading this! It has great detail. It sounds like it would be a really good book to read, and very creative, too! Keep going with this, people will enjoy it!
hey

i like it- supernatural and hooking

u have a few mistakes



e.g. its hiding not hidding

u have great descriptive writing =D



keep writing ;) and hope i helped

xx



answer mine plzz i'd like 2 know wat u think ;)



http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;鈥?/a>



thanxx
well,im no author to make clear points here';but honestly its rather a good start!!! but some words are incorrectly mispelled!!!the sentence where you indicate you are securely hidden as being their%26lt;%26gt;should really be spelled %26gt;there!!!ok?the story line sounds good!!your description of his musculine features are very impressive and very descriptive of how you percieve his muscles!!!very profoundly described!!!!!the two words to indicate you have knowledge of something to come into your life thru this experiance in this story.where two words are together need to be separately spelled';the words are instore%26gt;this is the correct placement of these two words%26gt;in store';ok?and the final part where god realised';that needs to be rewritten as%26gt;god foreknew%26gt;then the rest you've written';ok?also the word realised is spelled%26gt;realized! but work more hard on spelling and more on your vocabularism!!!!you evidently have a gift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!sncerely hoping you well in cultivating your potential submitted with best wishes by rick andrew s.