How is my story (book) so far? 10 points for honest criticism!?

Its one story...its a flashback..don't be afraid to make negative comments,i want to do better. :)





There I was, on the mud-spattered ground of the devil’s cave, facing death itself. The wounds that had been caused ached and the blood loss weakened me; a sign, I was defeated. All these years of fighting evil and trying to make peace with other tribes, were oblivion. I tried to fight, to stay alive, but I couldn't; my eyes burned and my heartbeat was slower than ever. I knew this was a dead end, for me, and for the poor, innocent, witches and wizards I brought alongside. Guilt overwhelmed me, they are all in the devils belly, as the expression says, and soon, I'd be the cause of their deaths.


“Stay with me Amelia!” a familiar voice shouted over my head. It was the man I loved so much and was afraid to lose over the years, but the wheel spun, and he is now losing me. I faintly turned my head to look at him. He stood behind the bars opposite mine; his long black hair was smoothly over his shoulders and his ripped garments indicated that he was injured, but not as greatly as me. Tears escaped his blue eyes, scattering down his cheek and leaving a damp stain on his red shirt.


“Julian,'; I said, not louder than a whisper, ';I love you.”


“Stay with me Amelia!'; he shouted again as my eyes started to close, ';I love you too much to watch you die and I assure you...I promise I'll get you out. We'll get married as planned; remember? We'll have a family! Please Amelia, struggle; fight for me!”


I closed my eyes shut, trying to commit to memory the time I chose to be converted into a witch and leave what was already built, behind me.





* * *





It was on a breezy night in mid-November. My family and I had gone out for dinner, to celebrate my sixteenth birthday in a five star restaurant when they introduced me to Will. He was a gentleman (mid-twenties) with short black hair and dark brown eyes. He wore a black suit with a red blouse underneath and had the most annoying foreign accent I had ever heard. He claimed he was half Scottish and half English and that he lived moderately in both countries for over five years before he decided to move to America.


“Darling, you want a cigar?” he told me. I glanced over at my parents and gave them both a harsh and painful look as if to say ‘You’ll pay for this later.’ Usually, when a girl turns sixteen years old, she’d rather be partying with her friends than be stuck in a restaurant with parents that are trying to hook her up with a total stranger.


“Sorry,” I said and gave him the pretend smile I used so often. “Cigars aren’t my friends.”


“Whatever you say my dear.” He talked to me as if he knew me for years and acted as if we’d gone out before, which irritated me. I often glanced at my parents, only to see them bemused of Will and his looks. I could tell that they both had big plans for us, but trust me; they wont anytime soon, not without my apprehension.


I looked at the watch on my wrist and saw that we had only been sitting for one hour, which seemed like a century to me when I was near him. I imagined all the pillow fights, dances, makeovers, and sleepovers I could have had with my friends and got depressed over the fact that this was the worst birthday ever!


“So, Will,” my mom interrupted my thoughts, “what do you do for a living?”


“Well, I…I hem underwear and bras for women.” I bit my tongue and lip to keep myself from laughing out loud. I looked at my parents, again, to see that they were stunned, but my mom’s face lit up like a Christmas tree afterwards. Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, I thought to myself as—


“Do you have water bras, you know, the ones that make your breasts seem bigger and much softer? What’s it called, Melon bras? Do you have those in size 34C? I am in a big deed here; my breasts are shrinking every day!” my mom blurted out without even stopping to catch a breath. She said it so loud that the people sitting on the nearby tables started to laugh. Damn it! Cant this night get any worse?


Will smiled. “Actually, Mrs. Stuart, we have new models coming next Tuesday. They’re called Wonder bras because they do wonders.” He looked at my mom’s chest. “It’ll make your breasts twice as big and you don’t need to worry about needles and pins popping them.” My mom and Will went on with the conversation of underclothes for another five minutes. Great, what a humiliating night!How is my story (book) so far? 10 points for honest criticism!?
The prologue is well written however I think that the rest of it needs some honest tweaking. You need to make it more interesting, more detailed. The reader has to imagine the site in their heads.








http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…How is my story (book) so far? 10 points for honest criticism!?
Oh my god I was really stuck in to that!
Haha, that was really good. it did seem sort of Twilightish, but i didn’t hear vampires so ur pretty much good... but it does remind me of the immortals :D Anyway... there are some sentences u need to fix up for example:





';The wounds that had been caused ached and the blood loss weakened me...'; - the words could be a bit more descriptive.





';It was the man I loved so much and was afraid to lose over the years, but the wheel spun, and he is now losing me.'; - i think this sentence should go. This is a form of rushing when the author gives u too much information too fast. With the next sentence, u can get a clear sense that they are both in love but she is about to lose him. This is how it sounds with that sentence out...





Stay with me Amelia!” a familiar voice shouted over my head. I faintly turned my head to look at him. He stood behind the bars opposite mine; his long black hair was smoothly over his shoulders and his ripped garments indicated that he was injured, but not as greatly as me. Tears escaped his blue eyes, scattering down his cheek and leaving a damp stain on his red shirt.





Also, maybe he could have a British accent; Scottish makes my picture a guy in a kilt.





Hum.... oh right, maybe u want this to happen, but u could try to make it less obvious that she will eventually fall in love with him b/c they were the two soulmates in the story above. Like maybe, you could add another guy character in that looks exactly like the one above. and the second part was kind of fuzzy, u need to let the reader picture the surroundings, use a Th. but make sure u know what the words mean and how to use them in a sentence or it will just sound silly.





well, overall I’d give it an 8 (80%) so not bad! it really made me want to keep reading, so keep writing!! :D


Elena C
It is not too bad. How you get from wonder bras to the near death scenes with witches and wizards will be something I am sure. Like all young writers you use too much description. Really edit out those blasted adverbs. You have some nice lines, you must be Irish or Brit.





Yours: It was the man I loved so much and was afraid to lose over the years, but the wheel spun, and he is now losing me. I faintly turned my head to look at him. He stood behind the bars opposite mine; his long black hair was smoothly over his shoulders and his ripped garments indicated that he was injured, but not as greatly as me. Tears escaped his blue eyes, scattering down his cheek and leaving a damp stain on his red shirt.





MIne: He was the man I loved and afraid to lose, but the wheel had spun now. I looked at him standing behind metal bars, long black hair down over his shoulders, torn clothes, tears flowing from blue eyes, staining his red shirt.





Basically you don't have to make so many detailed explanations for characters.Too many detailed descriptions and motivations for characters slows down the story and is not necessary.The genre that does that is romance novels, and may the saints preserve us, please never write like a romance writer. I think you need to go back over this and edit out as much as possible.





All in all you have a style and good voice and several great lines. You are a reader and smart, I can tell. Your vocab is good for a young person. Trying writing: Short, sweet and to the point. Edit, edit, edit. Saying it in five words is better than nine words. Just don't get carried away with descriptions and motivations, feelings, of characters.
This is really good I especially love the beginning you seem very imaginative! I feel like i want to read more HaHa.


Its great keep up the good work =).
I really liked this- you are a very descriptive writer and have a lot of imagination! it was really out there, the flashback's setting, and that alone immediately set it into a special place- i was sucked in to the reading.





it needs a bit of tweaking- sounds nerdy but i've always found that using big, poetic vocabulary does wonders for readers- even the ones who skip descriptive paragraphs, if any do.





of all things, you have humor, something that i don't see when i read passages on this website. humor is key, it adds so much personality and keeps your characters from being flat...i think you're the first writer i've seen who openly used sarcasm in your thoughts. way to go!





I'd give it an 8/10 because it's a little rough around the edges- all in all, a good pull.





hope this helps you out!





~*muse
Apprehension = nervousness, fear, hesitation, dread. ';I could tell that they both had big plans for us, but trust me; they wont anytime soon, not without my apprehension.'; is not correct, I don't think. ??





Deeds = something someone does for someone else. Ie, a good deed. Someone can't be ';in a big deed.';





It sounds good other than that, though, and I'd probably read it and be interested in it. :)
hmm...ok so my honest thoughts...hmmm...it kept me interested but barely and i felt like I had to work kind of hard (I'm not the brightest) In the beginning i did not see the relevance in devils and witches. It felt like there was no intrinsic reason to be talking about these things unless it was linked to something else, which it probably is. But still, I think it takes out a lot of the mystery and it feels like the idea of something paranormal is being thrown at me. This is just me but I would have worked my way up to it, unless I wanted to purposefully get in the readers face so to speak. The second part...again kept me interested, which is saying a lot by the way! I get a little ADD at times, an understatement, but again I am not sure why, for I was yet again sort of confused. I have to admit, the passages are somewhat entertaining but in the back of my mind I kept saying to myself, ';OK, so now when is this going to connect to the bigger picture?'; I didn't understand why the guy was being set up with the girl, and why the parent's or what have you were so intent on him. I was also ruffled by the fact that i couldn't distinguish whether the guy was supposed to be funny or just a douche bag. If you had more writing I would probably continue but you would lose me fairly quickly if you didn't make sense about what you were getting at.
it is quite good- it reminds me a bit of twilight (no idea why) but the tense changes a bit too much i noticed in the first paragraph and there are sometimes too many commas


'a sign I was defeated.'(with comma taken out)


'Guilt overwhelmed me. They were all in the devils belly, as the expression says, and soon, I'd be the cause of their deaths.' (tense and punctuation change as short sentence gives more impact)


'I knew this was a dead end, for me, and for the poor, innocent, witches and wizards I brought alongside.' the 'i brought alongside' does not make too much sense


'It was the man I loved so much and was afraid to lose over the years, but the wheel spun, and he is now losing me. ' the tense changes at the end


'I closed my eyes shut, trying to commit to memory the time I chose to be converted into a witch and leave what was already built behind me.' try 'I closed my eyes' or 'I shut my eyes.' not both





if you just go through your story making corrections like this then it will be great