Please help with this?

This is the beginning of my story, Archangels. I’m not sure if it’s good, though. I feel as if everything’s moving along too quickly. What do you think? How can I improve it?



*******



PROLOGUE



As the black limousine pulled up outside the crumbling stone building, I could see that my long and dark December was going to be longer and darker in Manhattan. A man shovelling snow on the sidewalk glanced enviously at the vehicle as he shuffled past. Birds – crows, I believe – silently abandoned the pavement as the car approached, taking to the unexplored skies. The eerie hesitance of the season unnerved me. Everything was quiet - too quiet.



“Miss Archer?”



I turned away from the window to see the crooked chauffeur holding the door open for me. I hesitated for a moment, taking a few seconds to convince myself that this was going to be okay, and then I unbuckled the seatbelt. I slid out of the limo, the snow crunching underneath my midnight Mary Jane pumps, and the chauffeur closed the door behind me. Never having been fond of snow, I clutched my umbrella tightly, holding it above my head as I ascended the steps of Dawson Institute.







CHAPTER ONE



I clutched my coat tighter as I stepped into the headmistress’ office. My breaths came out in bursts of cloudy mist; I was almost certain that it was colder in the office than it was out in the snow.



She gestured for me to sit down in the wooden chair and I did so apprehensively. The room unnerved me. Aside from the chill, the ceilings were high and the walls were distant. Gold-framed portraits of frowning faces hung at uniformed intervals. Furnished in dark mauve and deep moss, the fixtures looked antiquated. Everything was organised to perfection, like it was never touched. I felt as if I was disturbing the peace just by sitting. I’d never been anywhere so unwelcoming.



The headmistress’ heels clacked on the wooden floor as she paced up and down the room. I bit down on my lower lip, my eyes following her left to right, left to right.



“I understand you are now orphaned, Miss Archer. Is this correct?” she said, coming to an abrupt stop and staring straight at me.



“Yes, ma’am,” I stuttered. I still wasn’t comfortable talking about the death of my parents, and something about this woman’s glossy brown eyes unnerved me.



Transcript in hand, she strutted behind her desk and sat down on her throne, giving me a frightening glare. She flipped through it’s pages slowly, before flicking back to page one. “Rose-ah-leen Grace Archer -”



“Roz-ah-line,” I corrected, regretting it almost instantly.



She set the file on the table and looked up at me, glaring again.



“Well, Rosaline, I shall choose to ignore your ... interruption, due to your circumstances. Now, if I can continue, am I right to believe that you are the daughter of Grace Keller and Clarke Archer?”



I nodded tentatively.



She was silent for a moment, gathering sheets of paper and stapling them together. Then she said, “Miss Keller and Mr Archer were students at Agnes Loch when I first began working here,”



“My parents went to this school? I didn’t even know they lived in New York!” I said, a little too loudly. It now made more sense that they’d asked for me to be sent to Agnes Loch Boarding School in their will. The headmistress – Agnes Loch VI – paused momentarily, not looking up. Then she continued.



“Fine, fine students. They achieved straight ‘A’s across the board and displayed sporting and musical excellence,” she paused to staple another pile of paper, “Always rather unusual though. Their only friends were each other. They spent their spare time in the library leafing through newspapers, and they spoke only in tongues.”



I sat quietly as she told me things about my parents that I wouldn’t have imagined. My mother and father had been the most sociable people in Bret Harte, and as far as I knew, the only language they spoke was English.



“In some ways, they remind me of my great-niece. I believe you will be sharing a dorm with her.”



“Oh,” I said, not really sure what I should have been saying.



Miss Loch set the transcript aside and glanced over to the grandfather clock. “It is late. There is less than an hour before dinner. I suggest you retire to your room until then.” She motioned for me to stand, and I did so quickly, almost knocking over a large, glass, leech paperweight. Miss Loch looked me up and down. “I also suggest you change into the uniform we have provided for you. Your attire is ... inadequate. And when I say ‘suggest’, I mean ‘must’,” She waved me away with her white, wrinkled hand.



“But ... I don’t know where my room is.” I stammered.



“West wing, 4th floor, Room 12. Go, go,” she said sternly.



I hurried out of the large, unsettling room and into the hall, closing the door tightly shut behind me, and bumped straight into another student.Please help with this?
Well, as far as I can understand she is orphaned and is going to a boarding school?



Its good that you get that out from the first chapter, though you are right. The first chapter is kind of short, but you can extend it by adding some description. All we know about the head mistress is that she has brown glossy eyes. Explain her looks to us, what is most unwelcoming about her?



And I'm not quite sure what Rosaline looks like, so add small details, for example, she pushes her hair back - the colour of her hair, describe it. And when the head mistress says that her clothing should be changed, what's so bad about her clothes?



These little things can add more to the first chapter, because you need to remember that creating an image for your reader is important so that they know the atmosphere of how Rosaline is feeling.



I don't say all this as if being mean, I just know that from what you've written, you can make it worth publishing. From having a cliff-hanger at the end, it makes me want to read on and find out what happens next.



LepreAsian.Please help with this?
Just reading the prologue, I'd say that you might want to switch out some of those adjectives with stronger nouns, and adverbs with stronger verbs. Being descriptive is good, but too many adjectives and adverbs too close together make my head spin.
Who's Isabella?
It's good but don't put ';too quiet';, it's much too Clichéd
It is good. I do have some quibbles but, all in all, it is good.



You don't need to separate the prologue from chapter one, unless you plan on fleshing it out some more. As it is, it is the first few paragraphs of the first chapter.



Quibbles.



midnight Mary Jane pumps: Mary Jane is a style, not a brand, therefore it doesn't warrant capitalization.



Bret Harte is an American poet and story writer, not a town, at least as far as I know. I immediately thought of him.



';only spoke in tongues';: do you mean glossolalia? Speaking in tongues is a bit different than speaking a foreign language or even talking in a code.



Those are my little quibbles.



Other than that (in fact, even with those things), this is very good. I would read it.
it seems as if it would be good. always room for inprovement. i enjoyed the prologue, chap. 1 was ok. i didnt really like how she blurted out ';My parents went to this school? I didn’t even know they lived in New York'; but other than that, it seems to be fairly good.
From what I've read so far its very good, well written and captivating. When the headmistress is pacing around the room I would put this, ';my eyes followed her, left to right, right to left,'; instead of left to right, left to right.



Will read the rest and re post



Excellent, I really like it.The only amendement I would make would be to take out ';And when I say ‘suggest’, I mean ‘must’,”. The hand gesture after the initial line is enough to express that she doesnt have a choice about changing into her uniform.
First, I would get rid of the prologue and just combine all of this into chapter one. The prologue should be reserved for something more mysterious, perhaps something that gives clues about her parents and/or her heritage.



As I was reading it, I was getting the sense that it was very dark. I would keep up this dark theme you have going.



So far, I would say it is a good idea. You should write out the whole story before going back and making drastic changes.